Beauty from Ashes

" I will provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:3

This morning I woke up and the significance of yesterday was so clear. I didn't think about this until right now, but I was reminded that God turns all things bad into good, however this occurs in his timing. In May 2005, I was engaged to Scott (he was and still is the love of my life). It just so happens (unbeknown to Scott) that he proposed on the exact day that by grandmother died 20 years ago. In God's timing, a date of mourning was turned into a date of praise.

Since I was 14, I have dreaded January 17. At that time, me and my siblings were closest to our cousin, Cooper (and our babysitter Kelly). He tragically died on January 17, 1999, at the age of 27. As each year has passed I've always been wondering what our family would look like if different decisions had been made. Even 12 years later, i can't help but feel a deep sense of loss and betrayal associated with that date. Sunday night, January 16, I lay in bed knowing what date the morning would bring. I prayed that God would help me focus on how HE provides and comforts, however my mind traveled back in time. Although it was 12 years ago and I was only in eighth grade, I remember everything, every small detail: what I was wearing, how it was raining, the phone call to my Dad's apartment, the panic in my Dad's voice as he said he needed to go, spending the night with Mark and Teresa Robbins, the dream I had of Cooper walking into the light, sitting in the recliner the next morning as my Dad and Mom held me after he told me the news. I remember going to see the Prince of Egypt for Trey's birthday, but noticing Roger's bloodshot, tearful eyes. I remember falling/blacking out when I first saw Cooper in the funeral parlor and saw him laying there with his black suit, red tie, and holding a picture of his daughters. I can still feel Sloan and my Dad holding me in the hallway to the parlor trying to get me to calm down. I remember staring at the bouquet of red/white roses. One red rose for each of the grandchildren and two white roses: one for my sister Erin and one for Cooper. I remember standing in the hallway waiting for the family's processional into the funeral service: Amber was standing there with her arms over her expectant belly (which we now know as Grace), Caleb was quietly holding on to my Mom, my Dad was leaning up against the wall with a blank stare. I remember Uncle Frank came up behind me and as he hugged me I wonder if there would be laughter in our family ever again. I was taken back to the ashes. Even 12 years later, lying in bed I couldn't help but cry.

Yesterday, Scott and I got up early and hit the gym. As I was running I kept telling myself, "Yes, today is January 17 and yes it is okay to mourn, but I am going to choose to not let it have a debilitating power over me". I came to work and started on my daily activities. My phone rang. As I answered this I heard "Melody, this is Shemnandoah Womens. We wanted to call you and tell you that your scan came back negative. Congratulations, since there is no risk of this cancer reoccurring, you have been given a clean bill of health". I was so happy I immediately sent a text to Scott, my parents, and my siblings. IT WAS FINISHED! Our living hell was over!

This morning I went to have my quiet time and I went to write the date: January 18, 2011. And that is when it hit me. I turned back to my journal entry from early Monday morning: "God today is January 17. Please help it to not be a day of mourning, but remembering Your goodness and grace". I thought about the phone call from the doctors. I have NEVER had my scans returned anytime before Wednesday. There is no rhyme or reason that they should have been done that soon, I just had them done on Friday. Previously when I had called on Monday they had always said a Friday scan needed more time for analysis and results would be available on Wednesday at the earliest.

The reality hit me like a ton of bricks, God has intervened. On a day I have associated with loss, death, and betrayal will now be remembered as the day I was given back my health, given life! How amazing is that?! Beauty from ashes my friends, beauty from ashes.