...while Lynda and I made a crib skirt and window valence to match the crib bumper Lynda found earlier in the spring at a yard sale.
Late Saturday night and earlier Sunday morning I had these horrible anxiety attacks (you know, the ones where you can't breath, shake, and pretty much the only thing you can do is curl up in a ball). Scott asked me what would cause them after such a great day, I wasn't sure and tried to sleep it off. Well... the anxiety and "bad mood" carried over into Sunday and I guess that was the straw the broke the camel's back.
Sunday my anxiety continued because I hadn't felt Boki move in a while (he was moving like crazy earlier). During church I was gazing at the baby recently adopted by a couple in our home group. I remember the stories of her and her husband having to wait for this child, and the heartbreak that has happened in that waiting. I was so happy for them, their waiting was over; their faith rewarded. And I heard a voice... what if MY waiting is in vain? At that moment, I felt like there was a cosmic practical joke at my expense, "SIKE! There is no happy ending!" Scott and I first got pregnant in December 2007, and have been in a state of waiting/heartbreak ever since. What if this wasn't our happy ending?
After church I took a nap (probably because I didn't sleep well the night before) and I woke up with a swollen throat, nose bleed, and back cramps. I started to wail (the type of cry I have only done a few times in my life). Scott came upstairs to see what he could do and I just started yelling "I can't do this anymore. I can't. This if the fourth time I have been pregnant, and it sucks. This will end up killing me. I can't sleep because I am so scared of losing this baby. Now we are decorating the nursery and planning the baby showers, but what are we going to do when we don't get to bring our baby home? I wish we never lost the twins, I wish I never got cancer, I wish I never had to leave my classroom at Skyline. I want my life back to the way it was because I can't do it anymore".
Ah, yes. I wish I had a better response, a more hopeful response, a "Christ centered" response, a "patiently waiting on the Lord" response, but it just poured out of me like a flash flood. I have come to recognize these outpourings for what they are: a human's desperate plea for a Savior in a fallen world.
I long for a Revelation 21 world. A world with no war where military families are separated from their loved ones. A world where babies and children do not die. A world where couples do not fight infertility. A world where there is no cancer.
Fast forward to yesterday... Monday was a FANTASTIC DAY! The anxiety, worry, fear, and pain had dissipated and we had a wonderful day. As I was reading my Bible, this verse stood out to me....
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Part of me wishes the lie was true, that getting pregnant and having a healthy baby will take away the pain for what happened last summer. I get mad at myself for grieving over Samuel and Elijah, and the cancer the ensued, because I believe that I should just "be thankful" for getting pregnant again (which in January 2010 we were told we probably won't be able to have children). Don't get me wrong, I am SO THANKFUL for Boki, but something changed in me last summer. From the counsel of great friends, I have been told that this really is a lie and God wants us to have the grace to grieve because He wants to comfort us. When we grieve He doesn't look down saying "Geez woman, suck it up", he is crying right along side of us.
Before bed yesterday I was reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The author's brother-in-law had buried his two infant sons less than 18 months apart. Ann asks her brother-in-law "How do you know that God really is good? That you can say yes-- to whatever He gives?........ if it was up to me, I'd write this story differently".
How her brother-in-law responded really spoke to plea that the summer of 2010 never happened. He said "Just maybe you don't want to change the story because you don't know what a different ending holds. There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. I don't. Maybe.... I guess... it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand. But He does".
Last night I began to think of all the Bible stories my parents read to me as a child...
Before redemption there was the fall in Eden....
Before Joseph was king he was sold into slavery....
Before the rainbow, there was a flood....
Before the resurrection, there was the cross....
We all have good days (Saturday and Monday), but God does use those bad days to draw us closer to him (no matter how much they suck). Friends, as I was told by a dear sister in Christ, here is the deal "No matter what you're feeling about God or his plan in your life, God is loving you and pursing you even in the midst of all this crap. So don't feel like you need to fix your emotions for God- cry out to him and let him love you".
This is a quote I read on my sister's facebook page yesterday "Sometimes what we think it a good thing fall apart so that even better things can fall into place". Who knows... if we hadn't lost the twins to cancer we would never be pregnant with Boki right now. Maybe Boki is going to find a cure for cancer?
I will remind you as I remind myself every single morning. Regardless of Gods answer to our prayers, there is always a rainbow after the flood. And I can rest in that....
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