Beauty From Ashes

Sometimes...

2012-02-07T11:48:00.005-05:00

Sometimes we just want to yell because we need a hug...

Other times we just want to hangout with friends...

Sometimes we are so tired we fall asleep with our arms sticking straight up in the air...

Other times we just want to stay up and spend time with our family...

And some times we just need to dance...

More than we can handle...

2012-02-04T20:28:00.005-05:00

"'Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.'

People repeat this frequently; I heard it when I was growing up and I hear it now. It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if I believed it were true.

But I don't.

I believe God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives.

In these times, God shows Himself victorious. He reminds me that all of this life requires more of Him and less of me. Goes does give us more than we can handle.

Not maliciously,
Intentionally....

....in love so that His glory may be displayed.

That we may have no doubt of who is in control..."

- Katie Davis from "Kisses From Katie"

Forever thankful for the short time we had you. Forever grateful for your impact in our lives. Forever missing you. Forever in our hearts... Samuel Athan and Elijah Michael.

Big Plans for Our Big Guy

2012-01-26T12:50:00.004-05:00

Dear Luke,

Today you had your two month appointment. It took everything I had to wake you up from your blissful slumber to take you to the pediatrician's office.

You weigh 14 pounds 1 ounce (90th percentile) and are 25.25 inches long (off the charts; above the 98th percentile). You are one big boy! We joke about how you are a quarter back, or tuba player, in the making.

The doctor kept saying how physcially perfect you are: weight, length, skin, development. When we got into the car to come home, I couldn't help but cry. We were told we wouldn't be able to have children, then we went through the living hell of losing your brothers. Then for 9 months I was always told how my sicknesses could be hurting you: cancer, diabetes, not being able to keep food down. We were told to be "cautiously optimistic" that we would get hold the healthy baby we called Boki. After all, the doctors had to go in and get you because my placenta started to deteriorate. You are such a miracle (I like to think you get that from me :) ).

The truth is Luke, we may have big plans for you, but the sheer fact that you are here and healthy and laughing at me right now is a testament of the big plans God has for you. God has incredible plans for you big guy, and I'm so honored I get to be there to guide you along the way.

I love you my sweet, precious boy!
Mommy

Parenting is hard

2012-01-25T09:15:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I came home from work to this...

Yes, that is my 9 week old son in a 3T shirt. Yep, that is my happy little baby. Yes, that is my baby that never cries. Oh yeah, that is my baby that looked like this just 24 hours prior...

Sigh. I went back to work last week (working two days a week). Scott is taking a five week paternity to take care of Luke for 10 work days. How awesome is he? I bet is is rethinking his decision. Last week was fine. Yesterday obviously was not. Somewhere in between last Wednesday and yesterday, Luke has decided he will not drink from a bottle. Heavy sigh. He only drank 0.5 to 1 ounces at each feeding. Instead of being his happy, go lucky self he decided to scream bloody murder for most of the day. Poor Scott. Parenting is hard, even when you have an "angel" baby like Luke. I can see a Date Night in our near future.

Luke is Two Months Old

2012-01-21T11:33:00.002-05:00

Confessions of a Zombie Mommy

2012-01-18T12:05:00.004-05:00

Last night, Max peed on the carpet in our living room.

Yes, our Max.

Yes, our dog who has only used the bathroom in the house a handful of times since we brought him home.

I was shocked. Scott was mad.

Max ran upstairs and hid under the bed in shame.

How did this happen? Was he sick? Was he dying?

We couldn't figure it out. Max goes outside potty once in the morning when we get up, once during lunch, once when Scott gets home from work at 5...... oh wait....

We thought about it some more: I came home from work at 5, Scott (who is taking paternity leave) was cooking dinner, Luke was crying and wanted to be fed. I fed Luke, Scott finished dinner, we ate dinner, we played with Luke and Max in the living room, I fed Luke again, Luke took a bath, Luke ate again, Luke went to sleep, and Scott's Bible Study guys came over around 8pm......

We had forgotten to take the poor dog outside to pee!! He was sitting by the door during dinner, but wasn't whining.... I assumed he was passive-aggressively hinting that he wanted to go for a walk. There was not even a whimper. After dinner he was probably so excited that we were playing with him, he didn't want to ruin it by going outside.

It wasn't until the house was quiet and the baby was sleeping, that he just couldn't hold it anymore.

Sorry Max.

I wish I could say this is the only "whoops" moment in our household over the last eight weeks.

I would be lying.

Lets rewind to when Luke was 5 weeks old.

It was 3am and I was hungry.

Not a "oh I think I want a snack" hungry, but a look at your baby and say "GET IT MY BELLY!" hungry.

I measured out a tablespoon of peanut butter with an ordinary spoon.

Later that day I was preparing lunch and pulled out a spoon for my yogurt.

I noticed the spoon was dirty. Weird, maybe the dish washer was acting up again. I pulled out another spoon. Dirty again. What?!

The OCDness monster that lives inside of me raised its ugly head: "FIVE DIRTY SPOONS in a drawer that should be full of clean silver wear! Is someone trying to kill me?!"

And then it all came flooding back to me like a bad episode of Malcolm in the Middle: I had been licking the spoons and putting them back into the drawer. Needless to say I emptied the entire drawer and washed every piece of silverware in our humble abode.... by hand.

I wish I could say my confession is over, but I would be wrong.... so wrong.

Rewind a week to when Luke was 4 weeks old.

It right after Christmas. We just returned home from a week long trip to visit family and friends.

In the Target parking lot, it was getting dark and getting cold. I got out, got out the diaper bag from behind my seat, got out and set up the stroller, walked to the other side of the car to get out Luke, and placed him in the stroller. BRR!! It was cold and I was tired, I just needed to run into the store to pick up diapers.

As I am walking into the store, I click the LOCK button on my key ring and wait for the horn to beep. It doesn't beep. Weird. It must be busted.

I continue walking and try to fix my shirt and the hair out of my face so my appearance didn't scream "HEY! I'M THE MOM OF A NEWBORN".

Right before I get into the store this guy in a jeep pulls up beside me and says "Mam. Is that your car?" (Me smiling) "Yeah... why?" The guys smiles back "You left all the doors open. I just wanted you to know".

WOW.

And let's not forget my personal favorite... the toothbrush incident.

Luke was barely three weeks old.

Scott's mom just returned home and it was one of our first "Mommy and Luke Fly Solo" days.

As Luke was napping, I decided to go into his nursery and begin to organize. The room was mostly organized, but we received so many wonderful gifts I wanted to do a quick sweep to see if I had overlooked anything useful. As I was going through a bin, I noticed there was an unopened baby toothbrush.

I started to cry..... hysterically. I was completely unfit to be this kid's mother! I couldn't remember anything... and now Luke was almost 3 weeks old and I hadn't even thought about his oral hygiene. I hadn't even opened the toothbrush more or less thought about using it.... if social services knew they would take me away.

I sat in the floor and cried at my neglectfulness for about 3 more minutes, tore open the packed, and ran downstairs to brush Luke's teeth. Better late than never, I thought. It wasn't until this sweet little face stared up at me while I was thinking of ways to pry his mouth open that I realized....

... HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY TEETH!

Whomp. Whomp.

Silly Mommy. Go back to bed.

Disclaimer: I could proof read this entry, but I'm not.... because I'm tired. That's okay, the cuddles/giggles/coos I received at 3am were totally worth it.

The Cousin Chronicles: Luke's Joke

2012-01-17T13:54:00.006-05:00

The Setting: Sandston, Virginia on Wednesday, January 11.
The Characters: Allyson (1 week), Luke (7 weeks), Coraline (20 weeks)

.... and action....

Tomorrow is January 17

2012-01-16T15:59:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is January 17.
So much history in one date.

"My hope is in you Lord..."

Tomorrow is January 17.
I find it has as much significance as my birthday.
It is my Life Day. My Remission Day.

"My hope is in you Lord..."

Tomorrow is January 17.
One year ago on January 17 we were given remission status from the cancer that plagued my uterus and lungs; from the cancer that took the lives of our sweet twins.

"My hope is in you Lord..."

Tomorrow is January 17.
What a year it has been.
A surprise pregnancy. 280 days of morning sickness. 270 days of fatigue. 84 days of gestational diabetes. 34 blood scans and 13 ultrasounds to see if the cancer has returned.

"My hope is in you Lord..."

Tomorrow is January 17.
308 days later, I gave birth to a healthy, strong baby boy.
About 280 seconds after I delivered Luke, my heart basically stopped.
I blacked out.
My heart beat dropped and went into bradycardia.
Several rounds of medicine were shot into my heart.
The trauma caused fluid to shift in my brain and I basically went blind.

"My hope is in you Lord..."

Tomorrow is January 17.
Tomorrow I will celebrate, with my incredible husband, being cancer free, diabetes free, nausea free, renewed metabolism, having a strong heart beat, restored vision, and eternal salvation by an amazing God... all while cuddling a sweet, precious, incredible 8 week old baby boy.

Tomorrow is January 17.
"My hope is in you Lord..."
It was then, it is now, and will always be.

Luke is 6 Weeks Old!

2012-01-02T15:51:00.003-05:00

The "official" 6 weeks old picture:

And a few of the outtakes...

And a video reminding me to always lay him on top of a burp cloth (even if I think it "ruins" the shot):

I am off to steam clean my carpets (again).... totally kidding, but it is on my to-do list.

First Month of Firsts

2011-12-21T17:28:00.008-05:00

It is so hard for me to believe that this sweet 4 day old newborn...

... is now 4 weeks old. Yes, Luke is exactly one month old today!! I know people say that time really starts to fly by when you have children, but seriously, this was the fastest month of my entire life!

I know I have typically blogged what God has been teaching me, or hardships/celebrations in our lives, or some wonderful revelation I have had. I know I haven't done this since Luke's Birth Story, and my blogs have been mainly been "picture dumps". Has God been teaching me LOTS of things this past month? Yes. Have we worked through "hardships" and had many celebrations this past month? Oh yeah. Have I had wonderful revelations about motherhood? Absolutely. However, sleep deprivation combined with the schedule of a very active four week old has left little time to sit down and formulate meaningful thoughts. So... "picture dumps" of our sweet little boy will have to suffice.

This week, I was able to take Luke and Max for their first combined walk outside. Since the stroller was in the car (which was with Scott at work), I put Luke in the Moby wrap. I love this picture because it is so weird. Luke is in the Moby Wrap and I am wearing Scott's jacket, which wraps around both of us. Luke is wearing his hat (made by Aunt Darlene), but that is basically all you can see of him. Both Max and Luke did very well and we had a wonderful time out in the fresh air.

On Tuesday, December 13 Luke had his first bottle! I was a little concerned about the dreaded "nipple confusion", but then I had to remember who we were dealing with. Luke loves to eat, which is obvious from his zero to one month pictures, and he really doesn't care where it comes from.

Our wonderful friends from church let us barrow their swing. Luke doesn't like swinging as much as he likes laying on the couch staring at the ceiling fan, but he does enjoy the occasional rocking motion during an afternoon nap.

Due to Luke's active personality, he spends lots of time "playing" with Daddy and on laying on his frog play mat kicking his hands and feet.

This week, Luke showed us how strong he was during tummy time...

... and this intrigued Max...

... who observed for a while...

...then decided to participate. Obviously, Max forgot that we were having tummy time, not back time.

With the exception of horrible gas pains (for Luke, not myself), we have had a wonderful week of "firsts". But don't take my word for it....

Luke: Up Close and Personal

2011-12-19T19:51:00.003-05:00

Luke is Three Weeks Old!

2011-12-12T17:36:00.005-05:00

Brothers

2011-12-07T14:20:00.001-05:00

Life Update: Luke is 2 weeks old!

2011-12-05T13:51:00.013-05:00

On Wednesday, November 30, my Grami had to go back to her home in Mechanicsville. My Mommy and I were very sad that she had to go back to work (we both cried)...
... but, at the same time, we were very excited (especially Max) that Gramma was coming to stay with us until December 7.

Friday, December 2, my Mommy learned how to use the Hi-Speed Burst on the camera to capture my quick, but very cute, smiles. She only had to take 306 pictures to get those four pictures.

Friday evening I (and Mommy) watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" for the first time with our wonderful friends, Patrick and Melissa.

On Saturday, December 3, Gramma went back to Fredericksburg to get ready for her and Grandpa's Christmas party, so we celebrated our first day alone as a family of three (four including Max). I spent most of the morning snuggling with Daddy...

... and I spent the afternoon eating and sleeping in my cradle.

After dinner, Mommy and Daddy decided to take a trip to the mall to look for my first Christmas ornament.

I loved (by love I mean I slept the entire time) cruising around the mall in my stroller. After the mall, my Mommy and Daddy wanted to go to Kohls, however, the cold air made me really mad and I cried my first cry with tears (this made Mommy cry too). Needless to say we went home, without an ornament, and decided to decorate the Christmas tree with our existing ornaments instead. Daddy did all the decorating...

...while Mommy, me, and Max advised.

We ended our wonderful Saturday by taking our first family self portrait. Not too bad, right?

On Sunday, December 4, I went to my first church service at Covenant Presbyterian that morning and my first home group that evening. My Daddy and Mommy said they were really proud of how well I did; I slept the entire time!

On Sunday my Mommy used Size 1 Pampers instead of Newborns, because the Newborns left horrible indents on my legs. Also, my umbilical cord stump fell off. My Mommy wouldn't look at it because she said it was gross, my Daddy said "BLAH!" as he threw it away, and I laid in my Pack n' Play proudly sh
Today, December 5, I spent the morning snuggling with Gramma and Max.

This afternoon I had my 2 week appointment. The pediatrician said I am an extremely healthy and currently weigh 9 pounds 13 ounces. I told you my favorite activity was eating! The pediatrician gave me a Hepatitis B shot in my leg. I didn't cry very much (I was so brave), but all I wanted to do afterwards was eat and cuddle with Mommy.

Finally, we finished celebrating my 2 week old birthday by singing "Happy Birthday" to my cousin, Gracie. Happy 4th Birthday Gracie!

Day 11 Photo Shoot

2011-12-03T11:11:00.002-05:00

Luke's First Week of Life

2011-12-02T17:32:00.003-05:00

During Luke's first week of life, he learned how to be a nursing champion...

... he came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving Day and enjoyed a wonderful holiday meal. Although so many of our dear friends offered to make us a Thanksgiving feast, I opted for the pizza! During my pregnancy I could eat turkey, sweet potatoes, and veggies. However, I could not eat pizza... and on Thanksgiving we enjoyed some delicious pizza washed down by some sparkling apple cider.

Luke was able to meet his older brother, Max. All in all, Max hasn't paid too much attention to Luke; however, there have been two separate occasions that Max threw his toy into Luke's cradle, then howled at him to play. Sorry Max, Luke is pretty "boring" right now. Give him a couple months.

Luke celebrated the engagement of his Uncle Paul (Scott's youngest brother) and his soon-to-be Aunt Kate.

Luke enjoyed playing on the frog mat made by Gramma (Scott's mom).

Luke enjoyed snuggling and bonding with Grami (who stayed with us for the first 9 days)...

... and has enjoyed snuggling and bonding with Gramma (who is also taking care of us for a week). We are so so so THANKFUL for grandmothers!!

Luke got his first bath... and hated it...

... and Luke made appearances at Target, Costco, Chick-Fil-A, and Walmart. But don't take my word for it, see what he has to say...

Mr. Popular

2011-12-01T02:14:00.010-05:00

Since his arrival on November 21, Luke has been quite popular. He not only won over the hearts of all the nurses, but has caused family and friends to fall completely in love with him. Who came blame them? I know I am his mother, therefore I am biased, but he is pretty darn cute with his sweet noises and funny faces...
... and cute little hands and feet. I need to buy a new calendar to keep up with all of his appearances. I'm sure it will be no time before he starts handing out autographs.

Mr. Popular and the Grandparents

He has been snuggling with Grandpa (November 26)...

...cuddling with Gramma (November 26)...

...talking to Grami (November 26)...

...and loving on Pete and Suzie (November 22).

Mr. Popular and the Uncles/Aunts

Luke completely stole the heart of his Aunt Savanna (November 25)...

... has enjoyed the coveted status of nephew with Uncle Caleb (November 25)...

... was making "googly" eyes to soon-to-be Aunt Kate, who is sporting her gorgeous new engagement ring (November 28)....

... and fell completely in love with cool Uncle David and his girlfriend Lauren (November 27).

Mr. Popular and the Cousins

On November 25, Luke was able to enjoy "playing" with his cousins: Gracie (who is 3 years and 11/12 months old) and Coraline (who is 12 weeks old). Since Luke's in utero name was Boki, Gracie has proceeded to call Luke DOPEY! Ha. When we corrected her, she then called him DUKE!

Can you see "best friend" potential? I can!

Mr. Popular and the Friends

Luke has had the pleasure of meeting many of our wonderful friends. He was showered with love by the Weavers, who also gave him the cutest hat and elephant (November 23)...

... he snuggled with Sarah (November 23)...

... and he loved meeting the Garmans, Mike Martin, Paula Flynn, and Megan Tongen. However, these visits were not documented because... well, believe it or not... I forgot to take a picture.

Mr. Popular and the Parents

What can I say? We are completely, head over heels, no turning back, "I don't know how we got along before" in love with this little guy!

But don't worry Max. Our love has not been divided, but it has been multiplied. We still love you too.

The Birth of Luke Daniel: November 21, 2011

2011-11-26T17:16:00.020-05:00

Sunday's Sermon

Knowing our lives were getting ready to change forever, Scott and I woke up Sunday, November 20 trying to act as "normal" as possible. Just like any other Sunday we went to Covenant Presbyterian for worship, and Pastor Tim preached from a passage in Ephesians.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

Little did I know how applicable this scripture would be to the next 24 hours. Our entire birth experience, although very different than what we had originally "planned", was so much better than we could have ever "planned", asked for, or imagined.

The Labor

Due to the medicine I was taking, we could not carry the baby past the due date because of placenta deterioration. Basically, it was way too dangerous to stay pregnant past the 21st and the risk of the baby being stillborn increased dramatically. The last week of pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster in the sense that I did not want to be induced, but I knew

it was what was best for the baby. I have heard horrible stories about induction and pitocin: the long labors, the unimaginable pain. All week long Scott and I prayed that my body would be a "favorable" induction candidate.

When we arrived at the hospital at 6pm on Sunday. I was 1 centimeter dilated and 25% effaced: not the greatest conditions, but not hopeless. It may be hard to believe, but one of the things I was most anxious about was the IV. If you read any blog posts dating back to July 2010, my horrible history with IVs is well documented: the nurses either can't get a vein or the IV (that they normally put in my hand) always seems to blow out. Due to my bad luck with hand IVs, I asked the nurse if she could put it anywhere but in my hand. Well... after a failed attempt in my arm, they did have to put the IV in my hand.

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #1: I didn't want an IV in my hand. Every hand IV I have ever had has blown out. The nurse not only was able to get the IV successfully in my hand the first try, but the IV worked wonderfully all the way until it was removed until Wednesday. To God be the glory...

The doctor inserted Ceravdil Sunday night in hopes that it would cause more effacement so that the induction would be "easier". After a wonderful night of sleep (thanks to awesome nurses and Ambien), the doctor came in on Monday, November 21 and the Ceravdil caused me to efface to 60% with 1 centimeter dilation. Not great, but it was progress so Pitocin was started at 7am. I know "bad news" tends to travel fast, so all the "bad induction stories" were running through my head: all the pain, the "upping" of Pitocin every 20 minutes. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous.

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #2: After starting Pitocin at 7am and knowing it would only "get worse" , I decided to take a nap. For the last five or so weeks, I had been feeling WONDERFUL; and now was no exception. Starting around 8:30am, I started to feel my abdomen tighten. I wasn't quite sure what it was, it didn't hurt, it just felt as if someone was tightening a rope around my abdomen. Apparently I had a funny look on my face, but Scott and my Mom reassured me that I was having contractions. OH MY!! I was so excited! In hopes to bring on more contractions, I was moving around and rocking in the chair. By 11:30am the contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasted for one minute each, but I still did not feel any pain just an intense tightening of my abdomen. By noon, I was taking 20 units of Pitocin (the maximum amount they can give you) and having contractions 2-3 minutes apart, but I was not in any sort of pain (and I had not had any pain medicine). Yes, the tightening of each contraction was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt. When I tell this to women who have taken Pitocin, they find it hard to believe that I had 20 units and felt nothing. I would have never have thought to ask God (or even imagined praying) for 12 hours of painless labor while taking Pitocin, but I guess He did. To God be the glory...

After taking multiple naps and breathing through the tightening sensation, we were trying to find ways to pass the time. We watched TV, talked, walked around. The most fun was having our family text in their gender and weight predictions. Although I predicted the gender to be a girl, I was eventually disqualified because I kept changing it. One hour I would say girl, the next hour I asked Scott to change it to boy.

The Delivery

Around 12:30 or 1pm, the doctor came in to assess my progress. At 1pm (after Cervadil and 20 units of Pitocin), I was still only dilated 1 centimeter and 60% effaced. Although I anticipated being EXTREMELY bummed out, this peace (which really did transcend my understanding) came over me. I just felt like God had a different plan. When the doctor suggested breaking my water, I become really nervous because so many people had said how the pain become unbearable when that happened. I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer of "God be with me", and said okay. When the doctor did her exam, she said she couldn't break my water even if she wanted to because my cervix was too long. Again, I thought I would be extremely bummed out, but this peace came over me saying "Melody, trust me. It is going to be okay". So... the next step was C-Section scheduled between 6pm and 7pm.

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #3: Sure, I didn't dilate past 1 centimeter or efface more than 60%, but I had a painless labor from 7am to 7pm. Many people I have heard have are in horrible pain, traumatic conditions, and still have to have a C-Section. Me... I was able to get lots of rest, spend sweet quality time with Scott and my Mom, and having nothing but wonderful, sweet memories of my labor experience. To God be the glory...

The nurses came into our room around 6:45pm, saying they would be coming in shortly to take us to the operating room. AHH! We were getting ready to become parents! My mom couldn't help but laugh at me and Scott. She said when they gave us the "15 minute warning", I was sitting on the bed staring off, Scott was standing in the corner staring off, and my mom was laughing hysterically on the couch because both of our faces were like "WHOA! Is this really going to happen?"

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #4: I was extremely nervous about getting a spinal. I hate needles. It's not that I just don't like them, I really do think I have a phobia. I was so nervous, my whole body was shaking. This wonderful nurse (more on that later), gave me a hug and told me she would be here. While waiting for the anesthesiologist, I kept saying "God, today has been the best day ever. Please be with me. I don't know if I have the strength because I cam so scared". And just like before, this peace came over me. As I was hugging this nurse, I felt the anesthesiologist working and poking. I asked her "when are we going to start", and she laughed "I am already done, you should feel the medicine take effect in like a minute". WOW! I didn't even feel it. To God be the glory...

Once I was laid on the table and the drape was put up, Scott entered the room. I was so anxious. I couldn't believe, after four years, this moment was finally here. Scott and I were talking: mainly mushy "I love you"s and we hear the doctor say "You are going to be parents in about 60 seconds". Scott said it was the longest 60 seconds of his entire life. After what felt like an eternity, the doctor told Scott to stand up and meet this child. Scott stood up and all I heard was "OH MY GOODNESS!" I yelled "What?" and Scott looked at me and said "IT'S A BOY!" Luke Daniel Mersiovsky entered the world on November 21 at 7:37pm.

Over the past four years, I had anticipated this moment in my head over and over again. Honestly, I didn't know how I would react because part of me really did believe this was never going to happen for us. When they held our baby boy over the sheet and I heard that powerful cry... words can't explain it. Scott said I just started to cry hysterically. The love, the thankfulness, the overwhelming emotion of finally seeing our alive, healthy baby just over took me. I just cried.
The picture below was taken in recovery (yes, I will still crying), but I think it captures the raw emotion that overwhelmed my system.

Four years worth of prayers expressed through tears. Cries of pure thanksgiving.

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #5: Once it was decided that Baby Mersiovsky was not descending and a C-section was necessary, I was very anxious about what would happen after delivery. When we were planning for a natural delivery, I was anticipating the baby being placed on my chest and having an hour of nursing and snuggling. Once we decided a C-section was medically necessary to meet Baby Mersiovsky, I asked the nurse how long it would be before I got to hold, nurse, and snuggle with the baby. She reassured me it would be about 20 minutes; and I was okay with that. Since my C-section was scheduled for Monday evening, the staff changed and I was able to meet the actual nurse who would be in the operating room. I asked her the same question I asked before: How long would it be before we could hold and nurse the baby? She told me that the 20 minute response was unrealistic and that it would be close to two hours before I would see the baby. I lost it. Two hours? The nurse said that there were 4 other babies how had just born and that they would need about 2 hours because the nursery workers had to tend to the other babies first; she said it wasn't ideal, but it is all they could do with the staff they had. To say the least... I lost it. The thought of not seeing this long awaited baby for two hours killed me. As I sat on the bed crying, pouring out my heart, and asking if there was anything that could shorten this "wait" time, this sweet nurse said she would see what she could do. Come to find out, these nurses went out of their way to accommodate Scott and I, and to keep the baby with us at all times. One nurse even stayed after her shirt ended to take care of the baby in our postpartum room so the baby would never have to go to the nursery. WOW! This was so much more than we could have asked for or imagined. These nurses will forever hold a special place in my heart.To God be the glory...

After Luke was born, he was thoroughly assessed and passed with flying colors.

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #6:While I was pregnant, the doctors were concerned about the baby's size. Research tends to show that mother's with gestational diabetes tend to have large (almost too large) babies. Also, doctors have noticed that babies whose mothers had gestational diabetes had low blood sugar and needed bottles of sugar water to stabilize. Since I planned on nursing (and newborns can suffer from nipple confusion) I was extremely anxious about the thought of Luke having a bottle. Well... again things were better than we could have asked or imagine. Luke was a big boy at 8 pounds 12 ounces, but it wasn't because of the diabetes but instead because he was a healthy, strong boy from families that tend to have large babies. Also, Luke's glucose levels were taken every 15 minutes for 2 hours and his blood sugar levels were all normal and he never needed to take a bottle. To God be the glory...

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #7: After we were rolled from the operating room to the postpartum room, the nurses laid Luke on my chest. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was extremely nervous about breast feeding: the baby not latching on, milk production, awkwardness. Well... once Luke was placed on my chest, he bobbed his head around, latched on perfectly, and has been a nursing champion ever since (no pain, high milk production, no awkwardness). To God be the glory...

Did I plan on having an unmediated, natural childbirth? Yes. I had heard nothing but horror stories of inductions and C-sections, and I was scared to death. I wanted Luke to come "naturally", but God had other plans. God was in control from the very beginning, He just wanted me to TRUST HIM. Actually during the C-section, the doctor told me that we had made the right choice of having a C-section because even if was able to wait two more weeks and induction wasn't necessary, my cervix would have been just as unresponsive.

Would I consider my induction, labor and delivery a failure? Absolutely not. I had a painless labor, a smooth non-traumatic C-section with amazing doctors and nurses, and we were able to cuddle, hold, and successfully nurse our extremely health baby boy. Honestly, November 21 was one of the best days of my entire life. Definitely a success story in my book.

Things being more than we "could ask or imagine" Memory #8:To make this story even more perfect, and to show God's amazing timing, we were able to bring Luke home on Thanksgiving Day. I can't think of a better way to celebrate God's provision and protection over the last 17 months, then starting our new life with our son. To God be the glory for the great things He has done.

Introducing...

2011-11-24T07:19:00.001-05:00

Luke Daniel Mersiovsky
Born November 21, 2011
7:37pm
8 pounds 12.4 ounces
21 inches long

You've Been Served

2011-11-14T18:07:00.004-05:00

Don't get me wrong Baby Mersiovsky, it has been an awesome 39 weeks. I have enjoyed seeing you grow, hearing your heart beat, and feeling you bounce around....

But you have been served! That is right baby, if you don't come out by Monday, November 21 they are coming in to get you! Yes, I know your cousins and aunts/uncles were "late arrivals", but Mommy is on a lot of medicine that shows no mercy for procrastinators.

Aww... baby. Don't look so sad, laying there with your head in your hands (39 week ultrasound picture).

We are really fun people. We are kind of crazy, but very fun!

Max even offered to share his pink man with you if you come in the next seven days.
But seriously... the doctors say that your lungs are developed, your hair is so long is waves around in the fluid, and you already weigh over 8.5 pounds.

You are ready to come out.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

2011-11-11T09:20:00.001-05:00

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
Psalm 139: 13-16

I can’t tell you how many times over the last four years I have read and heard that passage from friends/family expecting a baby. Whether it is rejoicing over an unplanned pregnancy, asking for relief from morning sickness, asking for patience for a baby that is “past due”, or asking for peace about a baby’s possible health concerns… I always see this passage pop up on Facebook walls and blogs. So why should I be any different?

Yes, Baby Mersiovsky has been created, knit together, and is fearfully and wonderfully made. Anyone who has read this blog for the past year and half cannot deny the fact that Baby Mersiovsky being full term is nothing short of a miracle. However, as I was reflecting on this passage this week, God opened up my eyes to a new perspective.

I was created, knit together, and I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. Everyone knows this pregnancy hasn’t been easy. Yes, the last five or so weeks have been amazing in the sense that I have had renewed energy and I am much less nauseous. But… overall the past 38 weeks and 4 days haven’t been a walk in the park. Believe it or not the hardest part of this pregnancy hasn’t been the physical ailments, but battling the fear and anxiety. Let’s review shall we:

1. We had two miscarriages because my metabolism was too messed up to sustain pregnancy.

2. After the miscarriages we faced infertility for almost a year and we headed in the direction of testing…

3. Miraculously we got pregnant with twins, but instead of continuing to grow a healthy placenta, my body grew a cancerous tumor that killed the babies and tried to spread around my insides like kudzu. Seriously?

4. Miraculously we got pregnant again (just 4 weeks out of remission) with the current Baby Mersiovsky (also known as Boki) and my metabolism completely crashed, I couldn’t keep any food down, the antibodies in my blood soared, and my glucose levels skyrocketed. Wonderful.

5.I I go for my 38 week appointment this past Monday and my medicine continues to not work as effectively as we would hope. So… on Monday, November 14 I have three appointments to discuss induction (possibly as early as Tuesday) because the complications are steadily increasing the rate of Baby Mersiovsky possibly being stillborn. Great.

As you can imagine the trust in my body to create and sustain life has been betrayed… thus much for my anxiety in the last few days. I am worried that any minute my body is going to turn on Baby Mersiovsky… even though we are so close to the end…. So close to our happy ending (thus, why Scott and I have been praying that my body goes into labor now, even though our due date is 10 days away). However, in the last couple of days I do believe that God is having us patiently wait because he is teaching us another lesson in trust. Because the truth is God knows my body’s history and whether I believe it or not, He fearfully and wonderfully made my body. This week, especially at night/early morning when the anxiety and fear seems unbearable (and Satan is prowling because he knows I am vulnerable), I keep focusing on the fact that God made me and He knows what my body has been through, and he knows the intimate details of this pregnancy… and guess what? He can be trusted. My hope and trust has to be in Him. Maybe God has called me to these specific circumstances, not so I can just “endure” them, but learn more about Him: his grace, his character, his power.

In perfect timing, that can only be divine in nature, a friend of mine sent out an email with this video and lyrics.

Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer
May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake
Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labor thro' the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow tho' I'm worn
Jesus guide me thro' the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more
May this journey be a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at Your throne

Jesus draw me ever nearer

Jesus draw me ever nearer
Jesus draw me ever nearer to You
To You.

I couldn’t help but cry at the perfect timing of this song and how its lyrics spoke to my heart this morning. Every day I wake up wondering if Baby Mersiovsky still has a heartbeat or if the complications won out. But as I remind myself that Baby Mersiovsky was made by and belongs to God…. I have begun to remind myself that so do I. I was made and formed by an almighty God, who is worthy of trust and is our hope.

So today… 10 days away from my due date…. 3 days away from a bunch of testing/appointments…. Our hope is in the Lord and we continue to pray “the treasures of the trial, form within us as we go, and at the end of this long passage, let us leave them at Your throne”.

To God be the glory, for the great things He has done…

38 Week Baby Bump Update

2011-11-07T10:01:00.005-05:00

So here we are at 38 weeks. Just 14 days away from D-Day. Crazy. Just crazy. How am I feeling with November 21 just around the corner? Physically I feel amazing. Honestly, I have felt better these last five or so weeks than I have in the last two years. With the exception of getting up every two hours to go to the bathroom, I sleep soundly at night. I am able to go to work all day, come home, make dinner, go the gym, then come home and do chores before bed. I say that not to "toot my own horn", but as a testament of God's power working through me. Trust me guys... all these productivity, not by my own strength. Seriously, I am still nauseous and anxious about this whole gestational diabetes thing. So... just trust me on this one.

Side Story: I was at the gym this week, which has become a pretty regular event since it gets dark before we finish dinner. As I was doing intervals on the treadmill this big, burly, fire man looking guy got on the treadmill next to me (he looked familiar, I think he is a coach at the high school). Because we made awkward eye contact, I said "good evening" and continued my workout. Lets fast forward 30 minutes later... I was lifting free weights in the "mirrored part" of the gym. Yeah... you all know what I'm talking about... the part of the gym where people don't want to go because they are scared the huge giants pressing 300 pounds are going to hit them on the head with a club and drag them back to their caves. Yeah... I was there.. curling my five pound weight. Go me! Well, this same guy from earlier was at the station next to me curling his 70-80 pound weights. As we were both in between repetitions, he asks "When are you due?" I responded "16 days". He looks at me shocked and responds "My wife just layed on the couch by that point and you are in here on the treadmill and lifting weights. That's impressive". I couldn't help but smile (since most of the pregnancy I have felt like the world's largest wimp). I love it how God offers you encouragement in the strangest ways.

Other than bouncing on my yoga ball, cleaning, and working out, I was pretty emotional this week. Scott was EXTREMELY busy this week with work, leading a Bible Study, attending a men's group at church, and meeting with other people from church. The busier he got, it seems the weeper I got. For the past seven years it has been me and Scott. He seriously is my best friend. As excited as I am for Baby Mersiovsky's arrival, I know it is going to change our relationship. So... I was sad that this could be one of the last weeks of "just us" and I was spending it alone. Silly (and selfish) I know, but true. I finally worked up the courage to tell Scott how lonely I was and I wanted to take advantage of these last few weeks of this phase of life, and of course Scott being the amazing husband he is didn't brush me off as the crazy, hormonal pregnant wife, but planned an awesome weekend of family time.

On Friday, Scott surprised me and took me to the Chop House. I think it is one of the nicest restaurants we have been to, and knowing this could be one of our last weekends that date nights don't require a baby sitter, we went all out. I normally don't take pictures of my meals, but this was THE BEST MEAL I have ever had. Seriously. Coming from someone who has thrown up for the last 38 weeks and doesn't crave food ever... this meal was amazing.

I had Fillet Mignon with garlic tossed broccoli, and pumpkin risotto. Seriously. It was awesome. I think that was the first time I savored my meal, rather than scarfing it down for the nutritional component. We spent the next hour and a half holding hands, laughing, and talking, while enjoying our amazing meal. It was simply blissful.

Saturday morning, Scott got up and made us a yummy breakfast of eggs, toast, and turkey sausage. After breakfast, Scott, Max, and I walked to the Harrisonburg Farmers Market and back (about 4 miles). It was such a wonderful, Fall morning and it was such sweet time together. However, I did lay down for about an hour afterwards... my feet hurt.

Saturday afternoon we decided to drive up to Reddish Knob (one of the highest points in Virginia). I would be lying if Scott and I both didn't hope that the change in elevation and bumpy roads wouldn't make me go into labor.... it didn't. We are just so excited to meet Baby Mersiovsky!

On Sunday we concluded our family weekend by church, home-made lunch, and naps. Sunday I was a little uncomfortable sitting down, so I decided to walk around in the lobby while listening to the sermon and decided not to go to Home Group. Basically, in the last 48 hours, sitting still is the most uncomfortable thing I can do, so I don't (one reason why my productivity level is so high). If I do sit down, it is on my yoga ball (I have one at home and one at work).

Now, now... before all the text messages and FB postings start, no... I don't think I'm in labor or even showing signs of early labor. However, I do think I am carrying a very large baby in a very confined space.

Scott and I do pray that Baby Mersiovsky comes before November 21 so we don't have to talk about inductions. Due to all the medicines I am on, the doctors are very weary of letting me go much past my due date. However, in my heart of hearts, I'm pretty sure that Baby Mersiovsky is very content where he/she is and doesn't plan on coming out soon. I say that just because it seems like women in my family have "late" babies, but we could be surprised.

All I am saying is that I am not getting my hopes up for an early arrival. With all that said, I am very content in the fact that God knows Baby Mersiovsky's birthday and I am called to wait patiently.... induction or not. However... this Thursday, November 10 is a FULL MOON. So who knows?

Hello November

2011-11-01T09:18:00.004-04:00

Well, November 2011 is here. It almost seems surreal because it feels like it came REALLY FAST and EXORBITANTLY SLOW all at the same time. The doctor reminded me yesterday at my appointment that, due to the medicine I am on, I will be induced if Baby Mersiovsky hasn't arrived by the 21st. Although I have mixed feelings on induction, it is crazy to think that I will get to meet this baby before the month changes again. Crazy. By the time it is December 1, Scott and I will be parents to a living, breathing baby. I can't even wrap my head around it. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm thankful. I'm freaked out. I'm humbled.

With our due date only being 20 days away and since I showed signed of preterm labor throughout the pregnancy, many people keep sending me texts, emails, messages, and phone calls saying: Have you had the baby? How is the baby baking coming? Have you been having contractions? Are you ready? I bet you can't wait, it could be any day.

The truth is, yes OF COURSE I am excited! Who wouldn't be? But am I upset with each passing day that I haven't had the baby? NO! I find peace that God knows Baby Mersiovsky's birthday and I am called to patiently wait. Am I looking forward to eating a normal diet, not taking my blood 5 times a day, not throwing up all the time, and not taking insulin shots? ABSOLUTELY! But with each passing day that I'm still pregnant, I am thankful; pregnancy is hard on my body, but I am thankful. I'm grateful for 1) The baby is healthy; 2) Scott and I have have had much precious time together these last few weeks; 3) I can still go to work; 4) I am able to sleep whenever I need to; and 5) I'm just thankful for embracing the last few weeks (or days) of this phase of my life.

This morning I woke up and as I stared at the ceiling I was like "Oh man! Today is November 1". As I took a shower and got ready for work, I was praying for God just to give me peace: peace about Baby Mersiovsky's health, peace about the labor/delivery process, peace that I will enjoy these last few weeks and not wish them away, peace that He is in control.

As I was washing dishes, this song came on Pandora. I haven't heard it before (probably because they don't play it on Klove), but it was EXACTLY what I prayed for. John Waller put into words what my prayer is for the next 20 days as we wait on Baby Mersiovsky.

If you are also waiting on the arrival of Baby Mersiovsky or waiting through your own trials/life events, will you pray this prayer with me?

I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T10:20:00.003-04:00

This past weekend brought an unexpected visitor... no, not Baby Mersiovsky... but a snow storm! When I read the severe weather warning for Harrisonburg and surrounding areas, I honestly was like "I'll believe it when I see it". I really did think if it did snow it was not going to stick. Well... it started snowing... and it stuck... and it keep snowing really hard... and trees went down... and the power went out. Let's just say I became a believer in the severe weather warning.

Luckily our power was out only for a couple of hours and we do not have any big trees in our yard, so our house wasn't damaged in any way. How did we spend our snow weekend? Scott's brother, Paul, spent the night with us and we played lots of Settlers of Catan (which is seriously my favorite game in the entire world). While Scott and Paul played X-box, I put handles on the baby's dresser, did laundry, stocked our freezer full of yummy meals (home made and store bought) and organized closets. I would be lying if I didn't say that snow made me want to decorate for Christmas. I do love the winter season and all it brings (even though it is still technically Fall). So... I satisfied my urge to decorate by using a Christmas mug during breakfast; I guess that will have to hold me over until Thanksgiving weekend. Overall, it was a great weekend!

So.. today is October 31, which means not only is it HALLOWEEN, but I'm FULL TERM! After being put on bed rest intermittently (and dealing with all of the other complications) over this pregnancy, what a blessing it is to be "ready to go". In honor of being 37 weeks pregnant on Halloween, I had to show off my costume.

And it even glows in the dark.... Yep, I am that cool.
From my family to yours, I wish you a very happy, safe Halloween!

Getting ready for Baby Mersiovsky...

2011-10-29T09:22:00.013-04:00

Our third bedroom has taken quite a series of transformations since we bought our wonderful home in June 2009.

In June 2009 it was a room with no walls, but filled with lots of potential...

In August 2009, the walls came up but we didn't have anything to put in it.

In November 2009, this room become our TV room complete with TV, Super Nintendo, and all of our old college furniture.

By May 2010, we decided to get a new TV and put it downstairs. Therefore, the room become our computer room/office.

When we bought our laptop in August 2010 we moved the computer desk downstairs, and this room became a store-all, junk room for over a year. I don't have a picture of all the stuff piled haphazardly in here, but I'm sure you can imagine...

Now... this room has taken another (and hopefully last) transformation. This room has become Baby Mersiovsky's nursery.

Over the past few weeks I have enjoyed many evenings sitting in my new favorite room of the house to read my Bible, sing worship songs, or just to sit and enjoy feeling the baby move around. The room really does have a relaxing, calming effect. And like in June 2009, it is still filled with hope and potential...

While at Target, I found this picture frame in the clearance section. It was the perfect addition/mantra of the nursery because we truly are "Simply Blessed".

A special thanks goes out to so many people for helping this room become the nursery of our dreams:
1. Jay and Brooke Reid for generously giving us their crib
2. My mom and Scott for helping paint
3. Scott's parents for giving offering us the dresser/changing table
4. Scott's mom for making the crib skirt
5. My dad for doing an amazing job refinishing the dresser
6. My sister for making most of the decorations
7. All of our family and friends for stocking this room full of wonderful gifts

Now all we need is Baby Mersiovsky to arrive (who is still growing even more strong and healthy at 36 weeks 5 days)!

A 36 Week Baby Bump Update

2011-10-24T15:19:00.004-04:00

The Mommy Update

Other than the whole gestational diabetes fiasco, I have felt better this third trimester than I have the entire pregnancy. Basically, my days consist of working, cooking, cleaning, and doing things in the nursery. In the past 48 hours I have noticed a drastic drop in my energy level and a huge increase in pelvic pressure. However, I take it as a good sign that Baby Mersiovsky will be meeting us soon (I am praying this baby comes BEFORE November 21) and I just take more naps/rest breaks. By the way I'm carrying, people keep telling me I am having a girl...

The Glucose Update

It seems like my glucose levels have finally decided to chill out. My after-meal levels are perfect, and measuring between 90-115 (they are suppose to be below 120). All the doctors I have seen so far say that are extremely impressed at all of the hard work I have put forth to manage these levels by diet/exercise alone. And folks, after the road we have walked, the compliments just feel so good. They said my hard work is one reason why Baby Mersiovsky is so healthy. My fasting levels are still creeping up and measuring 85-89 (they are suppose to be below 90). However, the doctor say this is to be expected as my pregnancy progressed and the placenta creates more insulin-blocking hormones; and they will keep adjusting my medicine if necessary.

The NST Update

I have had 6 NST (Non-Stress Tests) in the past 3 weeks. Basically, I have 3 appointments every week: 2 NSTs and one meeting with a doctor. Every NST (so far) has come back, in the words of the doctors and nurses, perfect. What a relief to hear GOOD news three times a week! Baby Mersiovsky's moves the appropriate amount of times (he/she loves kicking the monitor) and has a resting heart rate between 120-135. Dr. Aamodt keeps saying that is a little boy's heartbeat...

Baby Mersiovsky Update

Although Baby Mersiovsky has a gestational age of 36 weeks 0 days, he/she is measuring 37 weeks 5 days and weighs approximately 6 pounds 12 ounces. Every since I first found out I was pregnant (my mom and sister can testify) I have said I thought I was 2 weeks ahead of my gestation age. Why do I think this? Well... in our previous 3 pregnancies I never tested positive until the beginning of my 6th week. Even if I KNEW I had to be pregnant and took a test earlier than 6 weeks it always came back negative (even with the twins). Well... when I got a positive home pregnancy test with Baby Mersiovsky, I was at the very end of my 3rd week. So... I have thought I was always about 2 weeks ahead and wasn't surprised when the growth measurements came back "ahead of schedule".

What are some cool facts about Baby Mersiovsky? He/she seems to have the classic "Martin chubby cheeks" and he/she has a head full of hair!

Basically, Baby Mersiovsky is going to make us parents is less than a month. So. Excited. (and a little nervous).

34 Week Baby Bump Update

2011-10-12T09:58:00.005-04:00

Oh... what to say, what to say. Well... it is not a problem of having nothing to say; the problem lies with forming my thoughts into sentences that are comprehensible. I feel like I'm under water with a thousand colorful fish, not in a particularly bad way, but in a "foggy" way: so much to think about, so much to look at, so much... So I don't let my "fogginess" keep me from blogging (it is much easier to sit back and not write anything), I'm just going to list what I'm thinking as I'm thinking it. So... let's go down that rabbit hole.

1. Last week was, emotionally and physically, a hard week. I'm still processing everything that has happened: told we couldn't have children, got pregnant with twins, lost the twins, cancer, forced to change jobs, remission, miraculously pregnant with Boki, doctors telling me my thyroid was too weak to sustain this pregnancy, throwing up for 200+ days, what seems to be "uncontrollable" diabetes, etc. Lots to process. Basically, it left me in bed last Wednesday, crying, too overwhelmed to get up. I think my words to Scott were "The world is just too hard". Why was I overwhelmed? That leads me into point #2...

2. I like to be control. Saying "I strive for perfection" sounds horrible because nobody apart from God can be perfect, but I do want to be as perfect as I can be on this side of heaven. I want to be the perfect daughter. The perfect sister. The perfect friend. The perfect wife. The perfect mother. Oh... the perfect mother. When I think about my friends and family members who have been pregnant before me, I think to myself "How sweet. Their bodies are protecting and nurturing those sweet little babies". My body attacks pregnancy: from my thyroid only functioning at 10% (not enough to sustain a pregnancy), to my uterus making cancer cells instead of placenta cells, to antibodies in my blood (even with the shots), to crazy glucose levels that cause higher-rates of stillborn babies. This past Wednesday, I couldn't help but feel all the guilt that my body wasn't nurturing Boki, it was trying to kill him/her. Not a good feeling. Which leads me into point #3...

3. Although last week was emotional draining, God really used that time to remind me of what is true. Every day. Every single day, I have all of these overwhelming thoughts: "Why hasn't Boki moved?"; "Are my glucose levels too high? Is it hurting Boki"; "What am I going to do if I lose Boki like I lost the twins?"; "What if after delivery, they find cancer cells?" "What if the diabetes doesn't go away after delivery?" So... I have to remind myself of truth. What is the truth?

- We live in an age of modern medicine and I'm so thankful. Yes, my thyroid doesn't want to maintain my metabolism to sustain the pregnancy, but my medicine is working (obviously, since I have made it to 34 weeks). I am so glad I am pregnant in 2011 and not 1911.

- Yes, the crazy diabetes (even though I follow a strict, textbook diet and exercise plan) does pose a "still born" risk to Boki. But, our doctors (yes we are with the high-risk obstetricians now; see point #4), are carefully watching me through twice a week NSTs, ultrasounds, weekly appointments with a doctor, 4 glucose tests a day, and making sure my insulin working appropriately. Our doctors seems very confident that with all of these precautions they will be able to see if Boki is in any type of distress and can prevent the possibility of Boki being stillborn.

- Yes, I have to get scanned for cancer after Boki is born because the cancer cells could be hiding in my placenta. It sucks, but it is what it is. And the truth is that there is a very small chance of the cancer reoccurring. So, referring to our motto from last summer "Let's not worry until we have a reason to worry".

- It is true that God promised to never leave us or forsake us. This past week I have found particular comfort in Joshua 1:9 (which I think is even cooler that Dan mentioned this verse in Sunday's sermon; I think I recite it multiple times everyday) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Truth. And I cling to it.

4. Due to the craziness of this pregnancy, and all the complications we are facing, we have been moved from the midwives service to the obstetricians (they all work at the same practice). This past Monday we had our first "high risk" appointment with Dr. Aamodt. God totally put him in our life at exactly the right time. He told us he knows we are sad we had to leave the midwives, he would be sad too. He also reassured us that his expertise will give us every opportunity to be holding Boki in a few weeks (Yay! Good news). He reassured us that we (more me) haven't done anything wrong; pregnancy is just hard sometimes. He told us that Boki looks fantastic: size measuring perfectly, heart beat in appropriate range, appropriate fetal movement (and that Boki's health, despite all the complication, is attributed to how hard Scott and I have worked this pregnancy). Yay. Good news. He has scheduled us for: NST on Mondays, meeting with a doctor on Mondays, ultrasounds on Mondays, NST on Thursdays, glucose tests four times a day, and insulin shots one time per day. He said that everything looks great and this is more for peace of mind (Yay. Good news); however, if Boki shows any sign of distress he will pick up on it and can get Boki out before things get "out of hand". He also said that his goal is for me to have as natural of labor/delievery as possible, so if I haven't had Boki by November 21 (and the NSTs, glucose levels, and ultrasounds are normal) he will let me keep going in hopes my body will go into labor naturally. Yay. What great news! What a great doctor! What a great God! Which leads me to point 5...

5. It really does astound me at how God has been in control this whole time, even though things seem out of control. I am so thankful. So thankful for modern medicine. So thankful for good health insurance. So thankful for Scott, our family, and our friends. So thankful for this happy, health baby I feel kicking me in my rib cage (best feeling ever; I'm not being sarcastic either, I'm so happy Boki is healthy). Just so thankful. So very thankful.

6. The last week or so we have been able to do some really fun pregnancy stuff. I have decorated Boki's room and unpacked everything (pictures to come). All we are doing is waiting for my Dad (who is awesome) to bring up the dresser he refinished for us (thanks Dad!). Also, we were able to get a few maternity pictures taken. Misty Myers is amazing and I would recommend her to anyone! If you live out of town, BOOK HER and you can stay at our house. Below is one of the pictures from the session.

For more information/more pictures from our session go and visit her blog at http://meditationsongod.blogspot.com/. Seeing these make me even more excited (if that is possible) to get Boki's newborn pictures taken.

7. Finally... point 7. I can't believe we are at 34 weeks. Praise be to God that most of mine and Scott's anxiety is turning into sheer excitement. We are so excited! Also, out of the 11 glucose tests I have had since my 34th week has started, only one has been high (and it wasn't even that high). I love feeling Boki move and I can't wait to meet him/her. I can't wait!

We do ask that you continue to pray for us. Please pray that my glucose levels remain stable. Please pray that our hearts do not become terrified or discouraged. Please pray that the NSTs and ultrasounds show a healthy, normally developing baby. Please pray that my body will naturally go into labor and I will not have to be induced. We cherish your prayers.

So week 34 is off to a great start and we can't wait to see what the next 5.5 weeks hold!

Week 33 Thoughts

2011-10-07T10:52:00.006-04:00

Afraid to love, Something that could break.

Could I move onIf you were torn away?

And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole.

You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you.

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me.

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.
(Lyrics by Matt Hammitt)

Showered with Love

2011-10-06T14:42:00.008-04:00

Way back in June (I think), Savanna sent me a text saying "I want to throw you a baby shower" and together we decided on the date, October 1. At the time, it seemed forever away! Well... this past Saturday we had the long, awaited Martin Family Baby Shower in Richmond, VA. It was amazing! The shower was put together by my awesome sister, mom, and aunt. Many cousins and family members also stayed to help clean up afterwards.

My mom and Aunt Ambra who helped set up, make food, etc. I love this picture. They are both so beautiful.

Me with my awesome sister who not only made all the table decorations, the center piece, invitations, and thank you cards; but also manages a household, is the mother to a 3 year old, AND had her own baby 6 weeks ago. I hope her creativity and motivation rubs off on me.

Love them. When I was looking at the picture I thought we should have included Gracie (since Coraline was strapped to Savanna), but oh well. I still love the picture.

Here are a few pictures of the awesome decorations Savanna made; I'm sure you will see more pictures of them as I decorate the nursery (which is also in green/blue). She made me a "Mommy-to-be" button, Lynda a "Gramma-to-be" button, and my mom a "Grami (again)" button.

The flowers on the table.

The table center piece: a bouquet of socks.

... and on the back of the bouquet box was a bow and key for our Baby Boki. Get it?

She also made blocks for the cake that read MERZ from the front, BOKI from the top...

...and 2011 from the back. She said she didn't like them because the cake part was too small for the blocks, but I thought it looked amazing!

In traditional Martin fashion, we celebrated with lots of pictures, lots of fellowship, and lots of delicious food (made by my Aunt Ambra). It was such a sweet time to celebrate with amazing family and friends (we missed you Christy and Kelsi). I am so grateful for their love, prayers, and support over the last 4 years. I don't know what we would have done without them. I truly have the best family in the world.

Grandma Bohr, Michelle, and Aunt Darlene

Suzan (who is marrying my dad is just a few short weeks). She is going to go from having an immediate family of one son, to having an immediate family of a husband, two sons, two daughters, two son-in-laws, and three grandchildren. I think she can handle it...

Grace, me, and Amber. Amber is married to my cousin, Sloan, and they have never been able to attend a family shower because of living all around the country with the Air Force. I was so honored they drove up from Virginia Beach to be with me. What a beautiful family: inside and out.

Rebecca, Ellen, and Taylor: three beautiful generations of women.

While everyone was setting up/cleaning up I was able to have some quality time with the youngest guest at the shower: 5 week 6 day old Coraline. I pray that her and Boki will be best friends.

What can I say about this picture? I am blessed with an incredible mother. She is great and glad I not only have her as a mother, but Boki gets her as a Grami. She is amazing.

I have also been blessed with an awesome mother-in-law (how many people can say that?) She is awesome and (if Boki is a girl) I have greatly enjoyed my 7.5 year stint as her only Mersiovsky girl.

Like I said before, we were showered with presents. Now if you look at my registries we registered for everything because, well, we need everything. However, I have never been so humbled and thankful at all of the wonderful gifts we received: clothes, blankets, towels, wash clothes, diaper cakes, toys, play mats, bassinet, car seat, jogging stroller, etc., etc., etc. It was like Christmas, times a million.

What was even more amazing is that everything fit in our car to come back to Harrisonburg. All I can say is that I'm glad Scott didn't come with me (he was camping instead) because there wasn't room for him to sit down. HA. There was barely room for Max...

To top the weekend off I was able to have lunch with my Dad, brother, and soon to be step brother. They are amazing too, just like Mom and Savanna. My family is amazing. They really are. I know sometimes we drive each other crazy, but I wouldn't want any other family. They are perfect.

During the shower when Ambra prayed for the food and Savanna gave a speech before opening presents (both of which I wanted to cry, but I didn't because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop) I was reminded of the "impact" of this pregnancy. As Savanna said in her speech, over the last 4 years many people have become so invested in the Mersiovsky babies. I wish I could write a thank you card to each person who has prayed for us, sent a Facebook message, sent an email, mailed a card, given a gift, or just hugged us as we walked this road we started so long ago. The last four years have been hard, and I don't anticipate the next 6 weeks being any easier; but knowing how much we are loved, how much Boki is loved, we are nothing but thankful. Thankful to you for your prayers, support, and gifts and thankful to Jesus for carrying us on this journey for His glory. I hope one day Boki can read this blog and realize how God used him/her in this world long before he/she was born. We are so loved. So cherished. And I will forever be thankful. We were not just showered we love, we are saturated with it!

The Finish Line

2011-10-03T12:07:00.004-04:00

My name is Melody and I am a frequent blog and Facebook stalker. I have noticed many of my friends/acquaintances posting about their dreams towards the end of the pregnancies: some talk dreaming they are holding their baby and drop it, others talk about giving birth to pigs or other animals, some even talk about swimming in pools of food. I haven't had any dreams about going into labor, or giving birth, or even having a baby in my home.

Am I a very vivid dreamer? Yes (even without the pregnancy hormones). Am I typically an emotional person? Yes, most of the Martins are but I prefer to use the word passionate.

Last night I had a pregnancy dream. It was so intense. So real. So perfect.

The weather was warm, the sun was shining, and I was 33 weeks pregnant and running a race. I don't know if I was the only person in the race, or if I was really slow, but I would look around and see nothing but landscape; no other runners around. Although I was 33 weeks pregnant, I wasn't winded or cramping, but I remember being really tired. SO. TIRED. At one point I wanted to sit down and out of no where Scott comes running up beside me. "You can't sit down. You are almost there". I started to cry and I saw this HUGE hill (more like a a mountain) in front of me. My pace slowed, "Scott, I can't do it. Its too big and I'm too tired. I'm too sick. My body can't take it. I have been running for four years and I'm exhausted" (Side note: The four years probably refers to the date of our first miscarriage, November 2007; and Boki is expected to arrive in November 2011). He looked at me and said "I know, but you are almost there. You can make it." So... Scott and I run up this mountain and my legs are killing me, my breathing is out of control, I'm dizzy, there is a glucose meter on belt flashing "TOO HIGH". I am almost at the top of the mountain and see a white banner, but it is what is past the banner that takes my breath away. Standing behind the finish line was EVERYONE: all my friends from high school, friends from college, our home group, past Bible Studies, our families (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles cousins), even family members that have gone on to be with the Lord (Frank, Goodie, Cooper). EVERYONE. I wanted to stop, I was in so much pain. I look at Scott and said "I've been running for four years, I can't do it anymore". He smiles and says "Finish strong. We are all waiting for you." I cross the finish line and everything is blur. I don't collapse, I actually feel great! There is a constant embrace of friends and family and I just start crying.... Not tears of sadness or exhaustion, but tears of completion. I sit down on the ground and just cry. As I am just surrounded by hugs and kisses, this shadowed person walks up to me. I'm not scared, but I can't make out of of this person's features, but they are holding a white blanket shaped like a box. "Well done" the person says and as I go to open the blanket....

... and my alarm clock goes off. Figures. No boy or girl prophecy here.

Here we are at 33 weeks. One last mountain to climb. Seven more weeks. So tired, so much seems stacked against us, but bring it. Finish strong.

Visitors, Baby Showers, and Birthdays

2011-09-28T13:53:00.006-04:00

This past weekend was very eventful! My amazing sister decided to come to Harrisonburg on Friday night with her 4 week old daughter, Coraline. When she asked if this was okay, I have to admit that it took me by surprise because she typically doesn't travel alone. And... she HATES driving in the rain, and would you know that it rained the whole time she was driving to Harrisonburg? Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Savanna is amazing!! I loved the sweet time we were able to sit and talk... and I loved watching what an amazing mom she is. She is incredible. Period.

Having Coraline around was quite interesting as we prepare our house, and dog, for Baby Boki's arrival in a few weeks. Needless to say, I was quite impressed with Max. Normally, he greets visitors with nothing shy of full-throttled energy: he jumps, he licks, he throws his toys in your lap. Although Max was very intrigued by Coraline, I was surprised at how gentle and calm he was. I hope this a good indication of things to come.

Another wonderful thing about our visitors, other than getting to spend some much needed sister time with Savanna, was watching Scott with Coraline. When Gracie (Savanna's 3 year old daughter) was born, Scott was a very "look no touch" type of uncle. However, I have been impressed at Scott's willingness to not only hold Coraline, but get her in and our of swings, car seats, etc. He is going to make a great dad because he is already a great uncle!

Funny side note: Saturday morning Savanna and I were upstairs folding laundry (I told you, isn't she awesome?) and I hear Max crying. I wasn't too alarmed because Max's morning routine is as follows: gets up, eats, goes to the bathroom, and walks around with this pink toy in his mouth while crying. He does this every morning. But, Savanna and I noticed that his "morning whining" was extended and loud. We went down stairs to find Scott holding Coraline. I guess Max was jealous... Oh boy, November will be interesting.

Saturday morning me, Scott, Max, Savanna, and Coraline traveled to Fredericksburg for my first baby shower (I say first because we are having three: one in Fredericksburg, one in Richmond, and one in Harrisonburg; we have some amazing friends/family). My wonderful mother-in-law, Lynda, and her friend Cindy threw a wonderful shower and we are so thankful for the women who came out to love on our growing family.

These were cupcakes brought by one of the guests. Aren't they just amazing?! Lynda has a "cupcake" book, and once I can eat dessert I am going to be very tempted to borrow it from her.

At the shower, we were blessed to receive so many wonderful gifts for Baby Boki. Below is just one of the wonderful gifts we received. Now, I am not a quilt person (it is not really my style) however Lynda is amazing and makes creations that have me dropping my jaw and yelling "WOW!" This is a play mat she made for Baby Boki: complete with hand-made frogs that hold objects in their mouths! I know... WOW!

On Sunday, the festivities continued with Lynda's birthday! I'm so glad all of her children were able to be under one roof to celebrate how awesome she is.

And what is any birthday without a photo shoot? The birthday girl and her hubby; both soon-to-be grandparents. Lynda wants to be called gramma. John said he wants to be called grandpa, but Lynda wants him to be called gramps. I guess the jury is still out on that one...

The soon-to-be parents at 32 weeks of pregnancy...

Soon-to-be Uncle David with his amazing girlfriend, Lauren...

The Mersiovsky men...

And finishing it up with a self-timed picture of the entire family...

Overall, it was an amazing weekend. I am so blessed, and truly amazing, at the amount of love of all the Martin/Mersiovsky families and friends. Scott and I are so undeserving.... As we continue through week 32 I do ask that you continue to lift mine and Boki's health up in prayer. My glucose levels keep rising and I'm already on the strictest diet/exercise program imaginable. So, I find it very frustrating. We have been told by the midwives that they are not going to let me go past my due date (due to diabetes, high(ish) blood pressure, and the many risks to Boki), so if we have not had Boki by November 21 I will be induced. Please pray that I will have this baby BEFORE November 21. I know being induced is not the end of the world, but I would much prefer that my body does it on its own.

Thank you for loving our family. In the words of Philipians 1:3, "I thank God every time I remember you..." Without your thoughts, encouragement, and prayers, I can't imagine how we would have made it through the last 32 weeks (or last few years). And although making it 8 more weeks seems daunting, sometimes impossible (I'm so fatigued: mentally, physically, and emotionally), I know our family is loved and well cared for. Thank you!

A 31 Week Baby Bump Update

2011-09-20T09:11:00.006-04:00

Another week has passed and we are another week closer to November 21. First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind comments/emails/texts/messages and your faithful prayers. The last few weeks were hard: physically and emotionally. However, I felt so comforted knowing that mine and Boki's health were being lifted up to the All-Powerful Healer.

So, what is new in Week 31?
- My glucose levels have, for the most part, stabilized. I maintain a very strict diet (even more strict then before I found out about the gestational diabetes) and when I am able, try to exercise 20 minutes after each meal. I do want to clarify from my last post that I know insulin is not the end of the world. I am committed to doing anything and everything to keeping Baby Boki healthy and happy. However, in my "kick me while I'm down" mentality from last week, I was upset that taking insulin will force me to leave the midwife group I have grown to love. Yes, Shenandoah Womens is blessed with AMAZING obstetricians; seriously they are incredible. We saw the obstetricians with the twins, and I think that is why I wanted so badly to stay with midwives. As amazing as these doctors are, I am thrown back to all the bad news and cancer scans and medicines and appointments from last year. Right now, my glucose levels have (for the most part) stayed within "normal range" without the use of insulin, but I know as the pregnancy progresses this will be harder and harder. So... please continue to pray that Boki gets the care and medical attention necessary to have a happy/healthy delivery. Currently we are still with the midwife group (which I'm ecstatic), but I know that if we get moved over to the obstetricians, that is where we are meant to be.

- The last few weeks were FULL of anxiety over many things: random spikes in my blood pressure, not feeling the baby move as much as I thought I should, not sleeping, the persistence of my "morning sickness", and the unpredictable nature of my glucose levels. Do I worry that my cancer will come back? Yes. Am I anxious that, that for some reason, Boki isn't going to greet us this November? Yes. Do I fear that my crazy glucose levels will hurt Boki? Yes. Is my body giving out: from my thyroid to my pancreas? Yes. Do I still throw up everyday? Yes. However this past week (which I am sure is attributed to your prayers), I have been so calm and just THANKFUL for this pregnancy. I love feeling Boki move around, I love people asking me when I am due, I love peeking into the nursery, I love for praying for Boki by name, and I love that God has given me this peace that really does pass my understanding. He really does use ALL THINGS for His glory...

So... how is Baby Boki doing in Week 31?
Boki is getting big! People keep telling me how "small I am", but I know that is not the baby is small; my stomach is solid! Obviously I have am constantly aware of my pregnant state because of the strict diet, nausea, and migraines, however, I am starting to notice other signs of the third trimester's bulging belly: putting/tying my tennis shoes is more challenging, I have given up trying to scrub the toilets/bathtubs because I just can't hinge at the waist, and Boki LOVES to punch me right in my bladder ;-)

What are some other things I have LOVED about this pregnancy?

I love not knowing if Boki is a boy or girl! Do I want to know? YES! But, it is really fun to guess. When I have been sick or depressed, I think about this boy/girl question and it helps focus on something positive. Honestly yall, I have NO IDEA the gender: part of me thinks Boki is a girl (only for the reason it seems boys are few and far between in my family) and then I have dreams that Boki is a boy. I'm pretty sure Scott's mom, Lynda, thinks Boki is a girl because I found an "It's a Girl!" decoration in her yard sale purchases. My mom, Sheila, says she really thought Boki was a girl, but now, she really might think (my the way I act and am carrying) that Boki is a boy. What do you think?

Ironically, I have LOVED being in the kitchen. I say "ironically" because for the first 28 weeks I was too nauseous to eat anything I made and now my diet is so strict that I can't really "indulge" in much. However, that doesn't stop me from cooking dinners and desserts for those I love. I love it when Scott comes home from work and says "That smells good!" or I make a cobbler (which I don't eat) and he is so excited! Basically, I love cooking for people. I am so THANKFUL that I don't have any sugar cravings. Not once during this pregnancy have I said "I want a cake!", so I am very thankful because it would make my diet very hard. But sense I really don't have an appetite and I don't crave sugar, I'm pretty content with my current cuisines.

I would be lying if I said I don't miss teaching. Honestly, at night I very rarely have a labor or baby dream, but dream about teaching children in the classroom. It is my passion! However, I have come to accept the cards I have been dealt and realize that my current job (which I also love) it where I am meant to be: it is flexible, it is non-stressful, it is part-time, and it still deals with instruction. I don't think I would be as healthy as I am (which says a lot because of how sick I am) at the stage in my pregnancy if I was still teaching full-time. One thing I have enjoyed is having my evenings free (no meetings or lesson planning) so I can take what little enjoy I do have and enjoy cooking dinner and playing with Max. I find so much comfort that God knew exactly what my body (and my finances) needed and provided such a wonderful job that allowed me to work, manage my home, and focus on growing Baby Boki.

I love this guy! Seriously, I am know I am biased, but he is AMAZING. This past 1.5 years has been no easy feat for Scott as we have dealt with the loss of the twins and this crazy, hard pregnancy with Boki, but... he is amazing. I could right an entire blog about all the things he has done and put up with this past 1.5 years and how he always remains positive, never complains about cleaning/cooking, and always finds ways to speak Truth to the lies that are often swarming around in my head. I can't thank God enough for him; I really hit the jack pot...

Another thing I love about Scott is how he puts his face on my belly and yells "BOKI, I AM YOUR DADDY!" Then, Boki is still for about 10 seconds and then starts to kick like crazy. I just picture this baby hearing his voice, processing it, and kicking away with excitement saying "YOU ARE MY DADDY!" I know they are going to be best friends.

Finally, I love that our family of three is very soon going to be a family of four. This has been our prayer since 2007 (when we lost our first pregnancy). I feel so honored to have been able to carry Boki for the last 31 weeks (even though it has been really hard) and I look forward to what the next 9 weeks holds. I am honored to have the opportunity to be Boki's mother. To say I am excited for November is an understatement...I can't wait to meet this baby!

A 30 Week Baby Bump Update

2011-09-12T15:07:00.003-04:00

I have been trying to give a "Baby Bump Update" every 2 weeks, but I did miss the 28 week mark... so where do I start? The past four weeks have been interesting... to say the least. I wish I could sit here and write about how good I feel, or how excited I am all the time, or all the good pregnancy food I have been enjoying lately. I do wish I could, but it would be a lie. Yall... the last four weeks have been hard. The last 30 weeks have been hard, but especially the last four.

At 27 weeks, I started having really bad cramps again. Every time I moved my stomach seized up, I couldn't keep food down (due to "morning sickness"), and I felt like I was going to pass out. So... off to the midwives I went and another three days of bed rest was ordered. On a side note: let me just give a quick shout out to Shenandoah Women's Midwife group. They are amazing! Yes, due to my "pregnancy history" and after all the cancer scares, they have let me stay with the midwives as long as my body doesn't freak out too much. I love them! I have felt listened to and cared for in the most initiate way. Although my case is more complicated, they have always taken every precaution to make sure Boki (and myself) stays as healthy as possible. Although they know I HATE BED REST, they have never made me feel like a "failure". They just keeping telling me what I already know, my body is tired... it has been a long year and a half.

So, at 28 weeks I went in for my one hour glucose test. Not only did I NOT pass it, but I bombed it so bad that I didn't have to do the three hour test. Honestly guys, I cried... not cried like "Boo Hoo", but sat in my living room sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't understand because I have been "ultra-healthy" this pregnancy. I started to keep a food journal at 6 weeks documenting what I ate, when I ate, and how much I ate... always making sure I got in my vitamins/nutrients and cancer-fighting foods. I work out almost everyday (except when I am on bed rest). So... needless to say I was confused. However, I sucked it up and made an appointment with the Diabetes Educator and Dietician.

At 29 weeks I had my appointment with the diabetic educator. She was really wonderful! She reassured me that I failed the glucose test, not because I was unhealthy, but because my pancreas just doesn't make insulin; basically she told me what I already know, my body hates being pregnant. She taught me how to take my glucose levels and sent me on my way. The next day I met the dietician, and I came prepared. I came with my food journal and ALL of my notes from the last 29 weeks. She looked over my journal and... I don't know if she thinks every women lies about their diet, but she looked at me and said, "If you don't get this under control your baby could be still born." And.... mental breakdown..... No not in her office, I smiled, said this was my true diet (yes, I want to eat cake and drink soda but I don't because I want this baby more), asked if she had any suggestions to help, smiled, left, ......and hyper ventilated in the car.

Over the last 6 days (since meeting with the dietician) I have been following my gestational diabetes plan PERFECTLY. Measuring every single carb, every single gram of sugar, every single serving of protein; not cheating ONCE. Then starting on Friday, my glucose levels SKYROCKETED! Now... for those of you that don't know me very I am a very literal person. If someone tells me to do something, I do it. So, if the dietitian says this carb/protein counting will keep my glucose levels down I believe her. So... I was very concerned that starting on Friday I ate the exact meals prescribed my the dietitian and my numbers were crazy high (I was especially concerned because I ate that same meal earlier in the week and my levels were fine), and not to mention the sound of her voice saying "stillborn" replaying over and over in head.

The last 6 days have been full of breakdowns. I'm normally fine during the day, but it is the night time that gets me. Similar to this time last year, it is at night time when everyone is asleep, the house is quiet, that all those fears arise: this is never going to happen for you, your body is killing this baby, there is no happy ending. Most nights I end up in the bathtub paralyzed with fear. Scott, the amazing husband he is, sits with me and helps me talk through it, but it is a lot to wrap my head around.

Why is this so hard? Why can't we get a break? First it was the scare of a miscarriage, then it was the threat of the cancer returning, then it was really high Strep counts that would cause preterm labor, now the diabetes seems out of control. I'm not asking for much... I just want to bring a baby home from the hospital instead of a memory box.

Guys... I'm tired. I don't know how much more I can take! I went to see the midwife this morning and she was amazing! She said that yes, we need to get the diabetes under control, but right now I'm doing okay (not great, but okay). Yes, I have had some scary numbers the past few days, but more than half of my readings are still in normal range... so that is good. She looked at every page of my food journal and made some suggestions (like completely eliminating sugar from meals) and she was so helpful. She also did new measurements of Boki and Boki is doing great. His/her measurements are exactly at 30 weeks (so he/she isn't too big, which is a concern) and the heart rate is perfect at 132 9with no signs of distress).

Also, for 15 minutes she sit there and held my hand as I cried. She said that I have had one HARD pregnancy, but she (and the other midwives) are going to do everything possible to make sure we get to take this baby home.

I say I can't take anymore, but I know I can... at least 10 more weeks :-) The one thing that has been so comforting is 1. Scott who sits and listens to me break down every night and helps dispel all the lies running through my head; two, the phone calls and texts from my awesome family just to tell me they love me; and three, sweet friends and family who are constantly lifting us up in prayer.

I ask that you PLEASE PRAY (even if you aren't a praying person, please just pray, we need all the divine intervention we can muster) that my glucose levels stay within normal ranges this week so 1) Boki stays as healthy as possible; 2) if I can stay within normal ranges without insulin, I can stay with the midwives, if not I have to transfer to the OB. I really want to stay with the midwvives!; and 3) Pray for mine and Scott's hearts. We are so close!! Yet this last leg of the race seems unbearable. We feel so close to bringing this baby home, but so scared it isn't going to happen.

Side Note: I was born at 30 weeks. Which means if Boki was me, I would be having him/her this week! Crazy!

At times I feel so defeated, so tired, and sobbing in the bathtub I wonder if we will ever have this happy ending. It is at these times (although I wish this pregnancy was easier) that Jesus is so real. I am too tired to make it 10 more weeks (especially with all of the complications), but He is strong. I feel defeated, but He has won. I do find comfort that there is a happy ending... no matter what happens to me or Boki... He won. Jesus wins every time. There is always hope...

I wish I had a happy, fluffy Bump Update (like many of the other blogs I read), but these are the cards I have been dealt... so I will play my hand... and keep my eyes fixed on the One that wins the game.

Rainy Day Blues?

2011-09-07T08:53:00.000-04:00

The cure: take 20 seconds out of your day to watch this video and SMILE! Happy Wednesday!

He is Courageous

2011-09-01T08:44:00.002-04:00

In September, seven years ago, this amazing guy asked me to be his girlfriend. From the moment we started to date, I knew we were going to get married and I knew I loved him. What I didn't know, what I have learned over the past seven years, is how truly amazing he is.

He is the guy that sits with you for hours (never complaining about what he has on his to-do list) and helps you work through the loss of babies you will never get to hold...
He is the guy that sits on the bathroom floor for hours and rubs your back as you are sick...
He is the guy who offers to paint, even though he hates to paint...
He is the guy that happily offers to go to Walmart, even though he hates Walmart...
He is the guy that works all day, comes home, makes dinner, cleans dishes, folds laundry, pays bills, and never complains (ever)...
He is the guy that always puts others (his wife, his friends, his neighbors) before himself...
He is the guy that will sleep in the guest bedroom to insure that what little sleep I get is a good one...
He is the man that will only get 4 hours of sleep, so he can wake up at 5am to read his Bible before going to work...
He is the man that has learned and models to others that the only way to "stand is on his knees with lifted hands"...
He "seeks justice, loves mercy, and walks humbly with his God"...

He is courageous... and I am so blessed that he chose me to be his wife.

189 Days

2011-08-22T15:19:00.004-04:00

For 189 days, our relationship went to a different level: sisters pregnant at the same time. For 189 days we...

... talked about our excitement.

June 3, 2011 at 2:39pm
Savanna's Facebook status: Even though there is a TON of not fun stuff with pregnancy, I do enjoy it sometimes. Especially since it is the same time as my sister. Everyday when we talk about pains or being sick I'm always smiling because it is nice to share something that special with someone that special.

July 1, 2011 at 10:20am
Savanna's Facebook: I got a call from Melody who told me Baby Merz's ultrasound went really well. He/she kept their face hidden the whole time, which makes me think the baby is just like her mother and not a morning person. I can picture a little baby Melody scowling because he/she was poked and woken up. I'm so excited to be an aunt!

... we yearned to spend more time together.

August 1, 2011 at 1:43pm
Savanna: I miss my sister.
Melody: I miss you too. It's too bad we didn't get along more when we actually lived together. Oh well... I love you SO MUCH!
Savanna: Yes, I know. I think that is the blessing/curse of being sisters. Teenage girls are dumb!

... we laughed.

August 9, 2011 at 2:55pm
Savanna: I saw a cousins frame on clearance at Kohls the other day and got excited because we will be able to get those. And if Boki is a girl, we can get a "Girls" frame.
Melody: If Boki is a girl they should have matching outfits for Christmas.
Savanna: They should have matching outfits always... like every time we get together.
Melody: Yes! Even if Boki is a boy, he should have the "boy version". Then when they are older they will look back and say "Mom, why did you make us dress alike". And we will say, "At least you didn't have to have matching bowl cuts"
Savanna: HA!

August 20, 2011 at 3:57pm
Melody: Do you think Coraline will have hair?
Savanna: I hope so... on her head. HA. I packed her brush just in case.

... we threw showers.

... we took "pregnancy pictures".

... we encouraged.

August 9, 2011 at 11:34am
Savanna: I'm not sure how you do it, being sick all the time. I think you're like a super hero.
Melody: Thanks. I am not a super hero, you don't see me as I lay my head on my desk and moan :) I wish I could hang out with you today.
Savanna: Me too.

August 21, 2011 at 10:01am
Melody: Good morning! Today is your last full day of being pregnant! YAY! I'm so excited for you!! (And a little jealous. Ha!)
Savanna: I know. I'm super excited, but nervous too.
Melody: Don't be nervous (even though I would be too). You are going to do great. I will be praying for you the whole time.

August 22, 2011 at 7:55am
Melody: Happy Coraline's Birthday!
Savanna: Thanks for always being there for me through the pregnancy. You're a great sister.
Melody: I love you. You are going to do great today.

Then finally on day 189, she came.

Introducing Coraline Marie Wolf
Born August 22, 2011
12:34pm
7 pounds 12.5 ounces
20.5 inches long

A 26 Baby Bump Update

2011-08-18T09:36:00.007-04:00

As I have said before and I will say again, pregnancy is no boring thing in the Mersiovsky household; and weeks 25 and 26 are no exception! On Saturday, August 13 my mom and my sister, Savanna, came up to Harrisonburg. I love it when my family comes to my house. Since we are preparing for Boki's arrival in 3 months, Scott and I have started to work on the fun things: making crib skirt/curtains and decorating the nursery. My mom graciously offered to come help Scott paint the nursery. They did a fantastic job and I can't wait to post the final product. It amazes me how a coat of paint can change the whole "feel" of a room.

While Mom and Scott were painting, Savanna (who was 38 weeks pregnant with Baby Coraline) and myself stayed downstairs and entertained ourselves.

While Savanna documented Max and the painting progress, I tried to recover from my daily "morning" sickness. As always, the nausea eventually passed and Savanna and I were able to have fun shopping around Kohls and Target.

After a wonderful day of painting, shopping, talking, eating, and playing Settlers of Catan (which first time player Savanna came out of nowhere and won with her mad strategy skills), we decided to take one last set of sister-pregnancy pictures. The next time I will see Savanna she will no longer be pregnant and will have Baby Coraline in her arms (her c-section is scheduled for Monday, August 22). I am very excited!

Melody pregnant with Baby Boki at 25 weeks and Savanna pregnant with Baby Coraline at 38 weeks. Savanna is carrying so low it makes me look like Boki is sitting on my lungs (which it sometimes feels like he/she is).

We decided to take a "corny heart over our babies:" picture. While taking the picture I was told that my side of the heart was not good, but looking at the picture I think Savanna's side of the heart is too narrow. :-)
And what picture session would be complete without a picture with the madre. I love her...I love both of them so much! Now... if I could just see my Dad and my brother....
On Sunday, August 14 I woke up with EXTREME nausea and back pain. I didn't think much of it since I am sick everyday and figured it would soon pass; and I have been seeing a chiropractor for the back pain. For the first time in this pregnancy, I was too uncomfortable to sit through the church service and had to spend that time walking the halls. I still just thought I was having an "off" day and we went ahead with our plans of having the Baker Family and the Garman Family over for lunch. The Bakers and Garmans (sorry I forgot to take pictures) are dear friends of ours and we very much enjoyed our time to catch up on each others lives. After everyone left, the nausea and back pain worsened so I decided to call it a day and went to bed. I didn't sleep very well Sunday night (but that is nothing out of the ordinary) and woke up Monday morning feeling just as horrible. To make a long story short, the extreme nausea and back pain turned into cramps/spotting which lead to a trip to the doctor to check for signs of preterm labor which lead to... BEDREST. Praise the Lord, I was not in labor! The midwife says I caught some sort of stomach bug going around (on top of my normal "morning" sickness) and I exhausted my body, which caused the cramps/bleeding.

I wish I could say my two days of bedrest was a wonderful time of resting, reading, catching up on some sewing, and watching long awaited movies.... NOT! I basically cried the whole time. I cried partly because I was in so much pain, but mostly because I HATE being confined to a couch at home by myself. Not being able to move/pregnancy hormones really messed with my mood. Silly I know... but I think being sick for the last 160+ days combined with not being able to leave the house (or go upstairs for that matter or doing anything else I love) just made my "mental outlook" come to breaking point. But as always, God is good, and I calmed down and was able to focus and be thankful for the healthy baby I felt dancing across my stomach.

I tip my hat to all the moms out there (including my own mother) who have done "hard time" on bed rest. THANK YOU!

On the subject of bed rest, Max had NO PROBLEM with bed rest and seemed to enjoy every minute of it. :-)

So... I have had to modify my schedule a lot (because bed rest is something I do not want to repeat). I am really beginning to learn what my parents have tried to teach me since I was old enough to walk.... I can't do everything! And as much as I want to everything, I want to be holding healthy Boki in November (not August) a lot more. I'm glad to say that, other than the crazy "morning" sickness that occurs in the middle of the night, I am doing much better and have been able to resume some sort of normal routine (going to work and some light cleaning/cooking).

So here is my latest Baby Bump... a very happy and healthy 26 weeks and 3 days....

If there is a great thing about a midwife thinking you are in labor, it is the ultrasound (even though I still get really nervous that they will somehow see cancer cells instead of a baby). I love looking at this baby! He/she is so cute. I love watching his/her feet kicking away and hands rubbing his/her face! November can't get here soon enough!!

Baby Boki at 26 weeks.

As we head into the end of week 26 and the beginning of week 27, I hope it is a low key week and our only "pregnancy challenges" include bouncing on my medicine ball without falling off (which has really helped my back)....

...and trying to walk from the parking lot to my office without peeing on myself (Boki likes to kick my bladder).

Until next time friends I leave you with this..."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE" (Jeremiah 29:11).

A Moment with Gracie on "Thinking Before You Speak"

2011-08-09T14:59:00.003-04:00

Gracie is mine and Scott's three and half year old niece.

My mom, my sister Savanna, my brother Caleb, and Gracie were riding in the van.

Mom, Caleb, and Savanna were laughing about different things and out of nowhere Gracie goes "I POOP LIKE CRAZY!"

Everyone in the van stopped talking and all of a sudden become very quiet.

Gracie hung her head and sighed "I shouldn't have told you that" HA!

A different ending?

2011-08-09T08:11:00.006-04:00

Saturday was a great day. Pregnancy week 24 (beginning August 1) was a tough week. I was fatigued, I was nauseous, I was in pain, I was irritable, I had a "negative outlook". So... Saturday, August 6 was a much needed, much appreciated oasis in my desert of a week. Scott and I traveled to Fredericksburg to visit his family. While we were there we played games, watched movies, ate great food (including STEAK), and had great fellowship time as a family. On Saturday, Scott and his dad made peach wine and peach jelly.....
...while Lynda and I made a crib skirt and window valence to match the crib bumper Lynda found earlier in the spring at a yard sale.
Late Saturday night and earlier Sunday morning I had these horrible anxiety attacks (you know, the ones where you can't breath, shake, and pretty much the only thing you can do is curl up in a ball). Scott asked me what would cause them after such a great day, I wasn't sure and tried to sleep it off. Well... the anxiety and "bad mood" carried over into Sunday and I guess that was the straw the broke the camel's back.

Sunday my anxiety continued because I hadn't felt Boki move in a while (he was moving like crazy earlier). During church I was gazing at the baby recently adopted by a couple in our home group. I remember the stories of her and her husband having to wait for this child, and the heartbreak that has happened in that waiting. I was so happy for them, their waiting was over; their faith rewarded. And I heard a voice... what if MY waiting is in vain? At that moment, I felt like there was a cosmic practical joke at my expense, "SIKE! There is no happy ending!" Scott and I first got pregnant in December 2007, and have been in a state of waiting/heartbreak ever since. What if this wasn't our happy ending?

After church I took a nap (probably because I didn't sleep well the night before) and I woke up with a swollen throat, nose bleed, and back cramps. I started to wail (the type of cry I have only done a few times in my life). Scott came upstairs to see what he could do and I just started yelling "I can't do this anymore. I can't. This if the fourth time I have been pregnant, and it sucks. This will end up killing me. I can't sleep because I am so scared of losing this baby. Now we are decorating the nursery and planning the baby showers, but what are we going to do when we don't get to bring our baby home? I wish we never lost the twins, I wish I never got cancer, I wish I never had to leave my classroom at Skyline. I want my life back to the way it was because I can't do it anymore".

Ah, yes. I wish I had a better response, a more hopeful response, a "Christ centered" response, a "patiently waiting on the Lord" response, but it just poured out of me like a flash flood. I have come to recognize these outpourings for what they are: a human's desperate plea for a Savior in a fallen world.

I long for a Revelation 21 world. A world with no war where military families are separated from their loved ones. A world where babies and children do not die. A world where couples do not fight infertility. A world where there is no cancer.

Fast forward to yesterday... Monday was a FANTASTIC DAY! The anxiety, worry, fear, and pain had dissipated and we had a wonderful day. As I was reading my Bible, this verse stood out to me....

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Part of me wishes the lie was true, that getting pregnant and having a healthy baby will take away the pain for what happened last summer. I get mad at myself for grieving over Samuel and Elijah, and the cancer the ensued, because I believe that I should just "be thankful" for getting pregnant again (which in January 2010 we were told we probably won't be able to have children). Don't get me wrong, I am SO THANKFUL for Boki, but something changed in me last summer. From the counsel of great friends, I have been told that this really is a lie and God wants us to have the grace to grieve because He wants to comfort us. When we grieve He doesn't look down saying "Geez woman, suck it up", he is crying right along side of us.

Before bed yesterday I was reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The author's brother-in-law had buried his two infant sons less than 18 months apart. Ann asks her brother-in-law "How do you know that God really is good? That you can say yes-- to whatever He gives?........ if it was up to me, I'd write this story differently".

How her brother-in-law responded really spoke to plea that the summer of 2010 never happened. He said "Just maybe you don't want to change the story because you don't know what a different ending holds. There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. I don't. Maybe.... I guess... it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand. But He does".

Last night I began to think of all the Bible stories my parents read to me as a child...

Before redemption there was the fall in Eden....
Before Joseph was king he was sold into slavery....
Before the rainbow, there was a flood....
Before the resurrection, there was the cross....

We all have good days (Saturday and Monday), but God does use those bad days to draw us closer to him (no matter how much they suck). Friends, as I was told by a dear sister in Christ, here is the deal "No matter what you're feeling about God or his plan in your life, God is loving you and pursing you even in the midst of all this crap. So don't feel like you need to fix your emotions for God- cry out to him and let him love you".

This is a quote I read on my sister's facebook page yesterday "Sometimes what we think it a good thing fall apart so that even better things can fall into place". Who knows... if we hadn't lost the twins to cancer we would never be pregnant with Boki right now. Maybe Boki is going to find a cure for cancer?

I will remind you as I remind myself every single morning. Regardless of Gods answer to our prayers, there is always a rainbow after the flood. And I can rest in that....

A 24 Week Baby Bump Update

2011-08-04T08:56:00.009-04:00

Back in June (or maybe it was May; all days have seem to run together lately), we were having dinner with our dear friends the Lookabills. Up until this point Scott and I have been playing around with "utero names" because Baby Mersiovsky was a mouth full. We flirted with the idea of peanut, nuggest, Merz... but nothing stuck. During dinner, Tabitha told her three and a half year old son "Did you know Scott and Melody are going to have a baby?" He smiled. I asked him "What do you think we should name the baby?" (We previously asked this same question to our three and a half year old niece and she responded with Cinderella). This little boy, so serious... like it was the only logical choice in the world, said "Boki". Everyone laughed, but ever since that night Scott and I have refereed to Baby Mersiovsky as Boki (pronounced bow-key). Since we do not want to find out the gender, we (for consistencies sake) use the pronouns "he or him" when referring to Boki. Yes... yes... I know we would have a beautiful, gorgeous baby girl and we could be use to calling her a him and referring to her as Boki. I hope one day she would read this blog and laugh at how we kept saying him. I can live with that. We have waited since December 2007 to get to the "fun pregnancy stuff" and we are enjoying every minute of it.

On Friday, July 29 Scott and I went for a 24 weeks ultrasound. Don't worry... nothing was wrong. No fetal distress, no spotting, no signs of pre-term labor, no high Strep Group B counts, no cancer scare. During our 20 week ultrasound on July 1, the ultrasound technician could not get a clear shot of Boki's face and heart. I tried moving all around, bouncing up a down, and twisting/turning, but Boki continued to lay on his stomach. At first I thought, "Aww... Boki is sleeping". Then the ultrasound technician moved the wand down and we could see his feet kicking away. Oh man I thought.... we have a playful one on our hands; honestly Boki's actions reminded me a lot of Scott's playful personality. Well... on July 29 I was nervous as I always get before ultrasounds. I know we we have had 4 healthy ultrasounds since the twins/all the cancer scans, but something about waiting to go into that room makes me want to throw up on the floor. I describe it like this: If you have ever been in a car wreck, you have probably safely passed that intersection a thousand times since then. However, every time you go past that intersection you still get that sick feeling in your stomach. Yeah... it's like that. The ultrasound technician we see is amazing!! She has been with us every step of the way since before I got pregnant with the twins; she knows where we have been and she spoils us. First, she puts the wand on my stomach and immediately pulls up the heartbeat... ah, peace of mind... the heart is beating.... that has got to be the sound of angels. Next... she turns on the 3D ultrasound (which is awesome). She treats us very well.

Well... after the heartbeat was confirmed, the first picture we see of little Boki (at 23 weeks 4 days) on that big flat screen is this...
Yes... that is our son or daughter laying so contently just waiting to have "his picture taken". So what does he do? POSES. Boki immediately had his foot on his head and sticks out his tongue. HA! Yes I know I am personifying "reflexes", but I can't help but think of how Scott has to "strike a crazy pose" every time I try to get a decent picture of him. Knowing how active Boki is in my womb, I can't help but invision the fun little personality that we are going to get to know in November.

After "striking poses" and kicking his feet like crazy, Boki settled down for the ultrasound technician to get the information she needed. I couldn't help but stare at the screen and think: 1) WOW! There is a real baby in there. It even looks like a baby... and 2) .... and I have the honor of being your mommy!

So... how is pregnant life in the Mersiovsky household at 24 weeks? CRAZY. I am still nauseous, but it seems to be only in the evenings (which is much better than the "throwing up 10 times a day" we were use to). Now, the largest challenge is the physical strain pregnancy is taking on my body; and this week seemed especially painful. Why you ask? Well... it is probably because my stomach grew exponentially overnight. From Sunday to Monday, I was definitely larger.

23 weeks 5 days

24 weeks 2 days

I don't think the pictures do it justice, but can we say "Pop goes the weasel?" Don't get be wrong, I am not complaining at all. A big stomach means a growing baby. However, I typically have two speeds: busy and very busy. Well.... my speeds haven't been very compatible with pregnancy. To a baby that prefers to lay "way out front" and my risk for pre-term labor (due to previous medical conditions, etc.) I was hurting this past Tuesday. I had (what I think were) contractions most of the day, and guys... I got scared. However laying down with my feet propped up, drinking tons of water, and reciting every Bible verse I could recall calmed my anxiety and stopped the contractions. Over the past two days I still feel a tightness here and there but nothing like it was, however, I have also taken it easy the past few days. Lesson learned (or in the process of being learning).

At 24 weeks, Boki (according to The Bump) is approximately 11.8 inches long and 20 ounces. Ah.Maz.Ing. As for cravings? Due to the nausea, I typically don't get that hungry or want to sit down and eat for hours (which is funny because I totally wanted to do this pre-pregnancy). However, there are times where I CRAVE red meat like some sort of vampire that would make Edward Cullen proud. Guys... I am not a red meat eater, but recently I look at the cows by our house while walking Max and my mouth starts to water. I have been told by my wonderful friends that this is my body's way of getting iron and not to deprive myself, so to Scott's enjoyment, we have been satisfying my craving.

As for movement, starting on the cruise I have felt Boki moved continuously. Seriously... I wonder what he is doing there. Since Monday, I haven't felt Boki move as much, but I have been reassured that Sunday's "growth spurt" could have made him really tired and just getting bigger means he doesn't have as much room. I wish I could say that didn't bother me, but the past two days have been hard. I've been scared, and it made me realize I had been putting my "faith" in feeling Boki move, rather than the power and reassurance of our Father. It has been a hard lesson for me to learn.... trusting is God when I have no physical reassurance that Boki is okay.... but it has been good. Going into week 25, I hope to remember all the lessons I have learned and continue to remember that God is good, no matter what.... and he promises never to leave us or forsake us, no matter what.

Cruising to the Bahamas

2011-08-02T10:51:00.002-04:00

In the short five years Scott and I have been married, we have been blessed to go on so many trips: Washington DC, Baltimore, Disney World, Texas, North Carolina, Lancaster, Universal Studios, Virginia Beach, Reformed Theological Seminary, Outer Banks, etc. As we approached our five year anniversary and realized (God willing) this would be our last anniversary without children, we decided to go on a cruise. Since my morning sickness was off and on, and Scott had never been to the Bahamas, we decided to take a short (but relaxing) cruise to Nassau, Bahamas. While we were there we took so many pictures. Part of the reason I have procrastinated in blogging about this trip was because I was unsure on how to upload that many pictures without boring anyone. Therefore, enjoy this slideshow documenting our travels to the Bahamas. It was a blast!

Waiting on Isaac....

2011-08-01T08:49:00.005-04:00

Yes, I know it is August. Yes, I know that I only made ONE post in July. Yes, today I am finally going to try to break my "bloggers block". So... I will try to put down all the things going through my head... bear with me.

It has been one whirlwind of a summer. From family reunions, to murder mystery parties, to birthdays, to weddings, to vacations... Scott and I have been busy spending lots of time with family and friends (maybe one of these days I will get around to posting pictures). As most of you know, my summer has been busy growing Baby Mersiovsky (due to make an appearance in November). It hasn't been an easy pregnancy (20+ weeks of morning sickness and fatigue) but the cancer cells (which are triggered by pregnancy) have not returned and instead of trauma of a tumor we get to feel the miraculous feeling of feet kicking away. The past 24 weeks with Baby Mersiovsky have been nothing short of a miracle.

The true reason for my blogging hiatus has not been lack of excitement, but much of my summer has been, like Jacob in the Old Testament, wrestling with God. Instead of sitting at a computer, I have been writing in my journal trying to work through the tornado that ransacked us last year. The best way to explain it is to give small excerpts from my journal:

March 17, 2011: This morning I told my family that we were expecting. Part of me didn't want to, I thought if I said it aloud it would be taken away. God... I am asking! I am PLEADING! Preserve this child...
April 1, 2011: God, I am so sick! I never thrown up so much in my entire life. Lord, I didn't lie when I said I wanted this baby. I want this baby! I keep reading on message boards and Facebook about other women who are this sick and everyone writes "Oh honey, it will be worth it". Honestly, God, I don't think it will be worth it. This if my fourth pregnancy and it has never been worth it. I want to be excited, but I'm scared. God... I know you are good... but I have doubts. I need you to show up....
April 4, 2011: God, we have our ultrasound today. I'm scared. I need hope, but for some reason I can't seem to find it.
April 19, 2011: Lord, I am sick, tired, and scared. Part of me thinks I have have this extreme nausea to keep me for reliant on you. Lord, I cry out to you, but it is muffled and weak. I want to sacrifice my body to preserve this child, but I'm scared. What if I am growing cancer again and not a baby. Please be with me....
April 20, 2011: Today I sat in the car and cried, scared that I will miscarry. I'm scared to dream about this child and the life we will have together. They say the cancer can return up to 24 weeks. I'm scared my already broken heart is just going to shatter. But isn't that the sacrifice of parenthood? Loving someone who at one point will disappoint me? I guess that is why you call us to put our trust and hope not in our children, or our spouses, but in you alone.
May 17, 2011: I find myself nervous this morning. Nervous that Scott is going to die. Nervous the cancer will come back. Nervous that this baby will die. Isn't it funny how I worry and become nervous over things that I can't control. God, help me rest in the beauty of your plan.
June 13, 2011: God, I am so sick. I feel so defeated. I feel like I have been pregnant FOREVER. Is it worth it?
And journal entries basically have this central theme of "wanting to wait patiently", "fear of unkown", etc.

This summer we have seen so many of our friends hurting: death of loved ones, cancers, surgeries, adoption delays, miscarriages. I have found myself longing for the Revelation world. Last night, at a congregational meeting, Pastor Joe Slater put a voice to my summer: "Lord, where is our hope? The only hope we have is the Gospel". How true and comforting that is...

On Friday, I was reading a blog and the author talks about patiently waiting on the Lord in her post entitled "Waiting on Isaac...." (I am not creative enough to think of the title... so I borrowed it from the author of Almost Naptime, Missy Dollahon; her blog is awesome, I would recommend it to anyone).

Friday I was distracted. I was overcome with such a silly thing: childcare! I want to work part-time, but I'm having a difficult time finding cheap childcare. And I'm having an even more difficult time waiting on the Lord to provide. In my head I think "Melody, if you go back to teaching in the Fall you can afford daycare and this won't be a problem". (Side note: isn't awesome that after all we have been through my main concern in childcare? Not cancer, not death, not surgrey, but part-time childcare? PRAISE THE LORD!)

This small situation has summed up my summer into a central theme: Patiently waiting on the Lord.... trusting in his provision and his timing.... knowing he knows what is perfect for our family; I think that is why "Waiting on Isaac" spoke so powerfully to me.

The Lord had promised Sarah and Abraham a child. However, Sarah either didn't have enough faith or she thought the Lord was taking too long, so Sarah offers her servant to Abraham in hopes they will conceive a child. As you know, Abraham and the servant conceive a child named Ishmael. This story can be found in Genesis 16 (don't settle for my sloppy retelling).

I find myself a lot like Sarah.... I want to get things done.... I want to fix them....

So... through 24 weeks of scans, blood tests, nausea, fatigue, and sleepless nights the Lord is teaching me to wait on Isaac, instead of settling of Ishmael. So that is what I continue to do.... in my imperfection I am praying for His peace, His comfort, His self control, and His hope for our future.

Baby Mersiovsky at 23 weeks and 4 days.

July 1

2011-07-05T09:48:00.002-04:00

Thursday, July 1, 2010
It had been two days since we found out our twins were no longer with us. I hated having to wait two days for anything to be done, but the doctors had to make sure I didn't have complications with my other organ systems. I remember laying in pre-op hoping that the doctors would put me under before I reached the operating room and would see all the tools that would be used to officially end my pregnancy. I remember waking up in recovery and the nurse telling me their were complications: the mass of mole cells was much larger than they anticipated and I had lost a lot of blood. I remember closing my eyes, knowing this was bad and the mass could be cancer. I remember wishing I could press fast forward and surpass all the suffering/recovery.

Friday, July 1, 2011
This past week had been "knee bending". Scott and I not only grieved the one year anniversary of that dreadful ultrasound, but we cried out to God to heal my grandmother of colon cancer and bring her through surgery in her fragile state. We begged God to send angels to surround my dad, and other members of our family. We grieved with friends who had a miscarriage, knowing all to well that horrible/tear-out-your-heart feeling. We groaned to God in disbelief that friends of ours (and true heroes of the faith in our opinion) are facing yet another cancer diagnosis. So much pain.... so much hurt.... so much "wrong"....

By the time Friday rolled around, I was debilitated by nerves. I wish I could say that I was nervous, but I prayed to God and I was fine. But, I didn't.... instead I laid in bed Friday morning crying hysterically... thinking about this past year... thinking about this past week. Scott (I can't say enough amazing things about him), just wrapped his arms around me and whispered truth in my ear that would help me see the root of my fear..... and I saw it.....

Earlier in the week I was reading a friend's blog who was writing about her family's wait to bring home their sons from Ethiopia. She said "I still see myself as an orphan. I don't see God for the loving Father that He is. I not only believe the lie that he will give me a snake instead of a fish (Matthew 7:9-11), but in my twisted theology, I imagine He dressed the snake up as a fish to make it more devastating". THAT WAS IT, this friend (unknowingly) put a voice to my fear, especially my fear that somehow in the course of all these "one year anniversaries" that history would repeat itself. When I was pregnant with the twins, I thought I had a healthy pregnancy. I believed God had heard our cry of infertility and had given us a child (which He did). However, I found out that instead of growing babies, I was growing a cancerous tumor. Still, today, my mind can't wrap around it; I can't explain it in words. Not only had I not been given a fish, but it was a snake dressed up as a fish (cancer that mimicked pregnancy). I'm still working through so much of this.... trusting (but not trusting) in God, trusting (but not trusting) in my body, wanting to believe that my belly is growing because of a healthy baby, not an out of control tumor, but knowing the all too familiar stench of that betrayal.

Once I was able to put a voice to my fear, God gave me the grace and strength to get out of bed. Honestly, I hate getting ultrasounds! I think I could have 100 perfect ultrasounds, but I will still be a nervous wreck before hand. I will never have that confidence that "of course everything is going to be fine, why wouldn't it?" because I did that with the twins and I felt betrayed.

I love how God puts people in your path to encourage you, especially when you are having a "fearful" day (must don't even know they are doing it). The ultrasound technician came to get us from the waiting room, and it was the same person we had with the twins/cancer scans. She asked me if I was nervous and I just shook my head yes trying not to break out in tears. She smiled and in the most comforting way "I understand, its normal. You're human." I found so much comfort in that because I honestly believe (even though I know it is a lie) that I should be over this by now and just be thankful for the baby we have.

Well, the ultrasound went wonderfully. We were not able to get many good pictures because of the way the baby was laying, but I didn't care; I was just so happy the baby was healthy and growing. I think this past year has made me experience mercy, grace, and gratitude in degrees I never thought possible. During the ultrasound I couldn't help but have tears welling up in my eyes as I looked at those feet kicking away and my mind was screaming THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I think this pregnancy is teaching many lessons in patience and trust. I want this baby here, healthy, and in my arms. I plead for its life every day; God preserve this baby, let me hold this baby. As hard as this pregnancy (and recovery from the twin's pregnancy) has been, I do thank God for his faithfulness; especially when I deserve nothing of the sort. So... my prayer for the next 20 weeks is for God to keep, gracefully, reminding me that I am not an orphan and He is always there, in the details; so that I can pass it on to this little one.... God is there in the details.

Day 365

2011-06-29T15:27:00.002-04:00

June 29, 2010 was a day of so much hope. After very few hours of sleep, Scott and I arrived to the doctors office, anticipating the little bodies we would see on the ultrasound screen; two peas in a pod. We were not living in an innocent paradigm, I knew the risks of pregnancy having two previous miscarriages.

Today felt different.
I lay on the table, shaking with excitement.
They squirt the gel on my belly.
Silence.
Continued silence.
"Melody, I am so sorry. There are no heartbeats".
The look on Scott's face.
The look on the midwife's face.
Thus began our long journey of surgeries, cancer, medicine, and recovery.

----------------------------------------------

Last night I lay in bed crying. I sob to Scott that I know the twins didn't die on June 29, it was just the day we found out. I asked him how I could be so torn about June 29? I celebrate the life and relationship I have with my Dad, but I can't help but think how part of me, deep inside, died that day.

It made me think of my own parents, and the last 26 birthdays I have had. I wonder if they thought the same thing? They celebrated and rejoiced over my birth on June 10, but were also sad add the loss of my sister.

I asked Scott if my sadness over the loss of our boys showed my unbelief in God or my lack of thankfulness in this prospering pregnancy? I hated myself for being so sad when God has done so much for us over the last 365 days: a cure from cancer, strength to return to work (although not in the capacity I anticipated), family and friends who provide physically/emotionally for us, this healthy baby I am carrying...

I hated myself for grieving. Shouldn't I be over this by now? Shouldn't I be thankful for this healthy baby in my womb and that should "cancel" out the grief over losing those twins to cancer? No. In Scott's words, "Those are lies from the pit of hell".

The truth is, it is very hard to talk about the events of the past 365 days; it hurts way too much. The truth is, I struggle with how a loving God can let cancer "run rampant" when I know He has the power to just make it go away. I've seen in steal mothers from their pregnant daughters, rob middle school boys of a carefree childhood, take husbands from their wives, take babies from their mother. The truth is, I wish it never happened.

Although I wish it never happened, I have learned so much the last 365 days. I learned that God is big enough to handle our true emotions, not the "let me smile and say everything is okay" emotion, but the "I'm so mad, I want to stab you" emotion; and He loves us more anyways. I have learned how to persevere in ways I never thought possible. I have learned how to be thankful for a healthy pregnancy in more magnitude/passion than I ever thought possible.

As I was surfing Facebook this morning, trying to focus on the joy my Dad brings me rather than the grief of a date, I came across this quote on a friend's page. It was just what I needed on day 365.

"Sadness does not equal unbelief. There are things that can and should break our hearts and make us sad. It's called lament and, throughout the pages of scripture, there seems to be an awful lot of it. When I see glimpses of God's goodness amidst the sadness, I can stare directly into the sadness and yet worship. Lament is a kind of worship that says 'This is wrong, but I know You are good'" (Nancy Franson)

So... today I am not running or hiding, but starting directly into the sadness and worshiping... worshiping the sweet, short lives of children who changed who I am, worshiping the life of an earthly father who my love for can't be expressed in words, and worshiping an Almighty God who loves me and is continuously faithful.

17 weeks 4 days

2011-06-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

How does someone so small,
Hold my heart so tightly?
I don't even know you,
I LOVE YOU COMPLETELY.
(JJ. Heller)

17 weeks and 3 days

2011-06-16T12:38:00.004-04:00

As of today, we are 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant with Baby Mersiovsky. Here are the facts:
- Baby Mersiovsky is the size of an ONION (5.1 inches and 5.9 ounces)
- I am still very nauseous and taking Zolphran, but now it mainly occurs in the evenings (which makes seeing friends/family very hard). I have been able to go work during the day, but I am normally exhausted by 5.
- Do I have any cravings? Right now I love anything involving hot dogs, boiled eggs and/or potatoes.

FUN FACT: On Tuesday, June 15, I thought I felt Baby Mersiovsky move. It was like a tickle, a tap, and a flutter all at the same time. I'm not for certain if it truly was Baby Mersiovsky (because it is still early), but it is fun to think about it. I look forward to many more "flutters" in the future.

I remembered....

2011-06-06T08:34:00.003-04:00

Last night (Sunday, June 5) I lay quietly in bed. Scott was fast asleep beside me and Max was soundly sleeping under the bed; the house was quiet. During this time is when my mind tends to wonder the most. I keep thinking about last week: exhaustion, nausea, vomiting, fevers, financial stress, high infection counts, threats of preterm labor. Last week (Week 15) was a hard week: physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Last night, I lay quietly in bed thinking about everything that happened last week, but remembering the encouraging words/e-mails of sweet friends and family members. Yes... it had been a VERY hard week, but God graciously showed his face to me over and over through friends and family... and (on Friday) with the wonderful sound of the strong, persistent heartbeat of this little baby.

Then, right then, my phone beeped with an email alert. I look at the message: "National Cancer Survivor's Day". I stopped... and I remembered. On June 5, 2010, cancer was such a foreign word. Sure I thought about it and I would pray for a cure, but then I would go on about my day. Little did I know on June 5, 2010 I had cancer, but didn't find out until 39 days later. I remembered the feeling of being "sucker punched" when the doctor told us the news. I remembered having to call my parents (which I think is the hardest thing I have ever had to do). I remembered the treatments, doctor appointments, exhaustion, surgeries, and nausea. I remembered what it took from us: good nights sleep, my job, our finances, my health, our sweet little boys...

Then I remembered how God was there, again, through the kind acts of friends and family members. I remembered the hugs of nurses who held me as I hyperventilated in the treatment center. I remembered the kind hands of a nurse who stayed during her lunch break so I could not have to sit alone during my second time in pre-op. I remembered all the questions that had few answers. I remembered the e-mails, and G-chats, and letters of encouragement from other cancer patients. I remembered the phone call the night before I started chemo. I remembered the doctor saying that she had no idea why my cancer was disappearing, but she would postpone chemo as long as the cancer keep receding. I remembered having that last blood test in January and getting the "CURE" call in January. I remembered getting that miraculous positive pregnancy test in March.

I lay quietly in bed so thankful for being one of the people who can rejoice on National Cancer Survivors Day. I lay quietly in bed remembering Grandma Louise, Uncle Frank, Kelly Johnson, and all the others who were so brave, but had a different ending. I lay quietly in bed praying for those friends and family members still fighting.

I lay quietly in bed, rubbing my continuously growing stomach, so thankful for being alive, and this baby being alive. I have done nothing to deserve my husband, this pregnancy, my family, my friends, and my health (even as sick as I was last week). So last night I lay quietly in bed remembering how truly blessed I am.

Always and continuously praying for a cure...

Summarizing Week 15....

2011-06-02T20:51:00.006-04:00

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
(Amy Grant)

---

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
(Josh Wilson)

I need to teach Max this trick....

2011-05-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

One Year....

2011-05-27T11:12:00.000-04:00

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

Has it really been a year? Has it ONLY been a year? How can time pass so slowly yet so quickly all at the same time? As recalled from an intimate conversation between my husband, “We feel as if we have lived a thousand years in 365 days…”

Memorial Day Weekend 2010…. a simple weekend at home: going to cookouts and planning those last minute review games for the pending Math SOL Test. Then it happened…. a positive pregnancy test. WAIT! We had two ‘chemical pregnancies’ and we have tried for over a year since then to get pregnant; we were told that this would never happen for us. PREGNANT?!

We were ecstatic; giddy with anticipation; barely holding our composure to go and tell our families. We would stay up late talking. Would we find out the sex? What would we pick as a name? We dreamed big dreams for this child; not even considering that “something bad” could happen.

Has it only been a year? Part of me wishes I could go back to May 2010, go back to that joy, go back to that INNOCENCE. Life is so different….

June 29: No heartbeats.

July 1: Surgrey #1 with pretty severe complications

July 7: Surgrey #2

July 14: You have cancer

July 20: Sent to UVA

July-January: Tests, scans, medicine, treatment centers

February 5: Where are Samuel and Elijah? How can we go on without them? They were suppose to be here? We planned for them being here; what happens now?

For both Scott and I the past 365 days changed us: our perception of “stability”, our ideas of “making plans”, our thoughts about “pregnancy”, our beliefs about “life and death”. My job changed; I LOVED Skyline, but it changed.

I think back to Memorial Day Weekend 2010, my life is NOT how I thought it would be Memorial Day 2011. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself….

Then March 12 happened…. another positive pregnancy test.

Then April 5, April 27, May 3, and May 24…. no “you have cancer”, no “I’m so sorry”, but instead the promising sound of a heartbeat. Strong and steady….

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself or my life…. this past year changed everything. But I do think I am stronger (spiritually, physically, and emotionally)….. I know God will provide jobs that meet our financial needs (if even jobs I never planned on)…. I don’t take anything (my health or my baby’s health) for granted…. Every single day (no matter how nauseous or tired) is an amazing blessing….

I don’t recognize my life, but I am TRULY looking forward to this new life in this new year with a new promise from a steady God…..

Hard time getting up?

2011-05-26T09:47:00.001-04:00

This video is not of Max; I found it on a blog called "Cute Overload". However, this is what Max acts like if we try to wake him up before he is ready. The dog loves to sleep in! Similarly, this is what my mornings have been like. Baby Mersiovsky is very healthy, but Mommy Mersiovsky is extremely tired. There are no real updates for Week 14 except that I am not as nauseous (praise the Lord) and I sleep ALOT (probably because I was so tired from being so sick for 3 months). I am not showing yet; it looks like I ate a big lunch which Scott calls "Baby Burrito" since I have eaten a lot of Mexican food recently. But no cute baby bump... On Tuesday, Scott and I heard Baby Mersiovsky's heartbeat pumping away at 146 beats per minute; I do love that sound! Daddy and Mommy Mersiovsky are looking forward to another restful, low-key, not nauseous Week 15.

Baby Mersiovsky Update

2011-05-17T09:21:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow marks WEEK 13 of Baby Mersiovsky's pregnancy. Part of me can't believe how fast 13 weeks have gone by. Another part of me can't believe it has only been 13 weeks; it seems like a lot longer (probably due to extreme exhaustion and nausea).

According to The Bump, Baby Mersiovsky is about the size of a peach. This week the baby's teeth and vocal cords are forming. Also, this week marks my transition from the first trimester to the second trimester. Boy oh boy, do I welcome the second trimester with open arms!

The hardest part of my first trimester has definitely been the nausea/exhaustion. Believe when I say I would never complain about being pregnant because it is such a gift, however, I have never been so sick in my entire life! As I look back over the last 12 weeks, I am thankful for the nausea. I was so sick the only thing I could do was lay in bed, lay in the bathroom, sleep, and try to eat. There was no time to worry about the "what ifs". So, I am thankful I was sick because it kept me (a natural worrier) in the moment. More good news? I am slowly starting to get better. Instead of having constant vomiting 20 hours a day, I am now only sick from 5-7pm. Yesterday I was able to go to work, go grocery shopping , and fold laundry. Watch out world! I'm getting back my game...

As I approach WEEK 13, here are some highlights from WEEK 12:
- I had my 12 week appointment with the midwives and they said everything looks fantastic. They also used the Doppler and I could hear Baby Mersiovsky's heart beating away at 150 beats per minute. Such a sweet sound...
- Scott and I had our first conversation about baby names over a delicious dinner at Red Lobster. This is a big deal in two ways: 1) I was able to eat dinner, and keep it down and 2) I'm started to get excited enough to talk about baby names (not that I wasn't excited before, but I was very cautious).
- Friends, who are moving to Charlottesville, called us this weekend and asked if we wanted their crib. Isn't it neat how the Lord provides?

I am looking forward to see what WEEK 13 holds...

Not of this world...

2011-05-03T08:26:00.004-04:00

"It is going to be a place where only the things that you want to happen, would happen"
-Where the Wild Things Are

I wish I was poetic enough to read, pick out quotations, and derive my own meaning from them by writing an eloquent blog post. However, I came across this quotation not by browsing through literature, but listening to this past Sunday's church sermon. Pastor Tim spoke on the concept of shalom and asked us to envision a world that was perfect: everyone in love, harmony, and serving the one true God.

This idea stuck with me and really made me thing of the events of the last 48 hours.

Anyone who knows me knows I am addicted to Facebook and Twitter. I love seeing what my family and friends are doing, and how God is working in their lives (whether they know it or not). I hardly, if ever, post my opinions of Facebook, but I was troubled by everything I was reading on Facebook, videos I was watching on CNN, and newscasts I heard on the radio. Normally I stay out of it all (and gladly so), but yesterday really bothered me. It seemed so odd to me to rejoice in the death of a person; but I am thankful for the sacrifice of our military and their families. I am not denying the atrocities that Bin Laden caused or the thousands of people that were affected by his horrible behavior. As I told Scott as we were coming home from work, "It seems odd to me that we are rejoicing that a man, as far as we know, is now spending an eternity in hell. That is just sad".

As I sat on this thought I couldn't help but think back... to reflect... I wonder what Uncle Ashby and Grandpa CR (both World War Two veterans) thought when they heard that Hitler and Mussolini were dead? I think about the Taliban members that killed Brian Carderelli and his team. I think about the boy that killed all those people at Virginia Tech. I think about the man, who's decision to drive drunk, cost Casey Bohr his life. I think of friends whose sons are still sitting in an orphan instead of being in their home because of bureaucratic waiting. Things are not as they are suppose to be. Then, my mind goes to Paul from the Bible. I can only imagine what the friend's of Stephen were thinking as Paul (then Saul) ordered Stephen to be stoned to death. I wondered if the disciples wanted Paul's head on a platter or prayed for God to capture his heart. The great thing is God DID transform Paul into one of the most influential Christians EVER. I guess that is my prayer for all those people that have caused so much pain to the ones I love. Wouldn't it be the ultimate "revenge" or "ultimate justice" to the evil that was done, for the "evil doers" to live a new life for Jesus and help thousands of people. I know God always uses evil for his glory, but so much evil has been done... and it hurts. It leaves me longing for more, then I remember I am not made for this world... so (on this side of heaven) I will always be longing for more.

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
— Martin Luther King Jr.

We are all in...

2011-04-27T14:04:00.005-04:00

From June 2010 to January 2011, I received daily to weekly to monthly HCG testing to make sure my cancer was gone. On the evening of March 12 (for no particular reason), I took a home pregnancy test. This was only the second month I had NOT gotten tested and part of me still needed the assurance of that negative sign (remember the intensity of the cancer was measured by the HCG counts). Scott and I just went off of birth control that month and knew pregnancy (we thought) was not an option because it took us over a year to get pregnant with the twins. To my surprise at 7:10pm, I received two bright pink lines.
Two thoughts went through my mind: 1) If I was pregnant it should not test positive this early (I hadn't even missed my period) and it should not test positive this early at night. When I was pregnant with the twins I didn't get this definite of a positive until I was 5 1/2 weeks (and I took it first thing in the morning), therefore 2) The cancer/molar cells are back. So Scott, myself, and Carson (who happened to be spending the night with us) headed to the Emergency Room. After rounds of blood work, ultrasounds, and scans the ER doctor said "Well, we don't see any cancer cells so you could be pregnant. Congratulations!"

Anxiety...

The next week we made an appointment with Shenandoah Womens and I began getting my blood drawn every other day. For those of you that followed our blog this summer this was a big deal because my veins are completely destroyed. But, the Lord provided, and the doctor found this "new" vein that just popped up, was free of scar tissue, and provided all the blood they needed. Everyday I waited for the results. If my HCG count doubled, we were fine; if they went below or above the "doubling" mark, we were in trouble.

Nervously waiting....

At 5 weeks we had a second ultrasound. No, we weren't excited or staying up all night talking about the baby (like we had June 28), it was different. They weren't looking for a heartbeat. They were making sure they didn't see cancer cells. By 9:30am on March 22, they saw no cancer cells and a small gestational sac.

Trying to stay calm... Guarding our hearts...

The morning sickness (I mean all-day sickness) kicked in shortly after. I have NEVER been this sick, including this summer. I guess it was God's way of passing the time because all I could think about was sleeping and not throwing up on people (instead of worrying about the pregnancy). I was barely able to work and hanging out with friends (Girls Night, Small Group, dinners) was out of the question!

At 6 weeks 6 days, On April 5, we went in for another ultrasound. There we saw a little "blob" and heard the sound of a strong heartbeat penetrate the room. It was like the voice of a thousand angels. I looked at Scott and we both smiled. The doctor said everything looked good, but not to get our hopes up. The doctor said "You can be cautiously optimistic".

Guarding our hearts...

I had been thinking about when to announce the pregnancy to friends/family. Every book/website advises the parents to wait 12-14 weeks. I told Scott, what if we don't have that long? Pregnancy is so fragile, that is something we know all too well. I wanted to celebrate the beating heart we just heard, but I was also fearful to open up my heart.

Anxiety.... Wanting this so bad but knowing it could go away.... Guarding our hearts...

The next three weeks were spent eating corn dogs, ramen noddles, and camping out on the bathroom floor. Every cramp or discomfort would leave wondering, "Is this it? Is it over." Every morning I would wake up from horrible nightmares about dead babies and go to the bathroom, praying that I would only see pee.

Nervously waiting..... Guarding our hearts....

Today, at 10 weeks we were looking forward to our last "high risk" ultrasound. This morning Scott and I both said how we wanted to be excited but we were nervous. This was a HUGE benchmark in the pregnancy, but did we make it that far? The technician started the ultrasound and the first thing we saw was the heart beating and we heard that wonderful sound. "Okay, so far so good". The technician looked and Scott and I, probably noting the hint of nervousness. Then, magic happened. She shook my stomach and said "Wake up baby!". The baby kicked its arms and legs back and forth for what seemed like hours as the technician took measurements. The technician then said "Baby! Wake up!" and again shook my stomach. As she did this, the baby turned and covered its face with its hands as if saying "I'm tired!"; these actions were those of a "real" baby! Wide eyed, Scott and I let out this joint "AHH!!", looked at each other, laughed loudly, sighed, and fell in love.

So, I am excited to announce Baby Mersiovsky measuring 10 weeks and 2 days, due to make an appearance in November 2011.

We are all in....

A Dangerous Prayer

2011-04-21T10:50:00.003-04:00

My mind wonders back to May 2010: a positive pregnancy test when we were told we probably would not have children, weeks of morning sickness, excitement that penetrated through my pores. I've spoke of this before, but I remember writing a letter to the twins: "I pray that your lives honor God and help Him to achieve HIS PLAN, not my own". I found this letter last night as I was looking through the twin's memory box. What a dangerous prayer, sounding so sweet and promising from the mouth of a new mother, but dangerous. How could I have known what the next six months would bring? Ultrasounds, surgeries, cancer, hospitals, medicines, the sounds of hearts shattering.

While catching up on Facebook statuses, a friend of mine posted a link to John Piper's sermon entitled "To Be a Mother Is A Call to Suffer" (it can be found here). In his sermon, John Piper talks about what was said at the Memorial Service for a mother and her infant daughter. The family was flying in a small plane and was shot down by men who thought they were carrying drugs. The husband and six year old son survived. I'm not going to recount the testimonies of the husband or Steve Saint (the son of a missionary killed in Ecuador) because you can read them for yourself.

I do want to highlight the poem read by Elizabeth Elliot:

A Poem by Martha Snell Nicholson
(a "mendicant" is a beggar):

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart I cried,
"But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."
He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

I couldn't help but think about myself, my family, my friends, and million of people located around the world. It hasn't been an easy year; in so many ways. Yes, we have SO MUCH to be thankful for; but it has not been an easy.

It is a dangerous prayer for God's will to be done above your own, but it is a good prayer. Maybe this Easter instead of cursing the thorns we have been given, we can be thankful for them (although we don't understand them) because they have showed us the face of God.

For the Sake of Entertainment...

2011-04-04T08:28:00.002-04:00

This is the pitiful face Scott and I have been looking at for the last week, often accompanied by several minutes of whining. Max, who loves all things outside, was extremely bummed out that is was rainy, snowy, and cold all week. Knowing that Westies love solving puzzles and love getting exercise, Scott and I (being the awesome parents we are) decided to build him an obstacle course.
Our first goal for the course was to make it go up. Max loves to be at the highest point in the room (which is why you often see him sitting on the back of people's couches). Using chairs, cushions, and the iron board as a ramp, we achieved our goal. However, Max just wanted to lay down on the cushions; so we have to redesign the course.

This was the finished product: an obstacle course complete the twists, turns, and tunnels. Max would start in the kitchen and make his way to the other side of the living room.
In the end I think we enjoyed making the course and Max enjoyed watching us more than Max enjoyed going through it. However, he was successful and found his treat and his puppy waiting for him at the end.

A Wednesday Full of Questions

2011-03-23T08:21:00.008-04:00

How does Melody cook a full chicken?
She doesn't. I bought the chickens because they were on sale at Costco and my plan was to cook the chicken for dinner and freeze the leftover meat. I couldn't even get the chicken out of the bag, especially after my friend Kara told me I had to pull out the insides. So... my Prince Charming came to save the day. I haven't been able to cook or eat chicken since.

What does Max do when there is a monster in the house?
He hides behind his Mommy. At one point in the video I really thought Max was going to bite Scott, but he just barked really loud. We learned that Max is a good WATCH dog, not the best GUARD dog.

What do guys do when their wives are at Girl's Night?
Dye their hair, apparently.

John 3.16

2011-03-16T09:55:00.002-04:00

Today is March 16. As I was getting ready for work this morning, the radio station I was listening to was asking its listeners to make this date of 3.16, into John 3.16. My heart immediately went to Japan. There is so much destruction, so much hurt, so much need for the Gospel. The situation is overwhelming. I have never been to Japan, but, over the last 4 years, I have heard thousands of stories and looked at hundreds of pictures from friends who have a heart to serve in that country.

When I got to work this morning I received an e-mail from Danny Iverson. His parents, younger siblings, and cousins live in Japan as missionaries. Danny and a team of Americans are going to Japan within the week to help with the relief efforts. I know there are so many Americans wondering what they can do to help Japan, and not everyone is getting emails from the Iversons and Chases. Therefore, I am asking you to read his e-mail below and prayerfully consider how God is calling you to serve Him.

"For God so loved [Japan} that He send His only begotten son, that whosoever believed in Him would not perish, but have everlasting life". John 3.16

Dear family and friends,

I am heading to Japan to help my dad's church with the task of bringing the whole Gospel to the Japanese people in this hard time. We are going to minister to minds, hearts and souls as we provide for basic human needs and share the hope we have in Jesus. We have four people going who all have been to Japan (and can speak Japanese) and have a deep heart for Japan to know Jesus. Plane tickets are cheap right now ($1000 round trip) and we already purchased them. We have also already had an additional $7000 in gifts come in! God is good. We are bringing heavy duty and portable water purification systems that my uncle developed that can clean 15 gallons of water/minute. The rest of the funds are going to supplies, truck rentals, gas and other things people need there for us to deliver. We will most likely be on one of the many recon teams going out to smaller cities that have not received much help yet. We will be bringing food, blankets, medical supplies etc., purifying water and sharing the Word (the purest water for the soul). We have a doctor on our team now too so we will be able to give medical assistance as needed.

We are leaving Monday morning and have quite a few needs, the biggest being prayer (see prayer needs below). By God's Grace a local Florida non-profit Ministry called JS Resources has graciously agreed to process all donations admin costs free. That means 100% of check donations will be able to be directly delivered to the local church in Japan. So if you are planning to give to help Japan this is really the best way... to go through us so that your gift gets maximize and gets directly in the hands of the local Church and people who need it most. Wouldn't it be neat if we could bless the church with a $10,000 gift. We are also bringing tons of tools for sharing the Gospel. Campus crusade is right here in town so I am getting as many resources in Japanese (Jesus films, tracts, etc...) as we can take, so feel free to give toward that need as well.

We really feel passionate about bringing over as many Gospel resources as we can to distribute and empower the local Church to participate in the great harvest of souls we are anticipating in light of this disaster. The Japanese people need to hear good news and our Savior Jesus has brought us the best news of all. We are looking forward to sharing it...

How to help

1. Pray (see below)

2.Give (See Below)

3. Stay Connected and spread the word about our mission. I will be updating frequently from Japan with prayer requests and updates of the mission.

Twitter: dannyiverson Blog: spendyourself.org FaceBook Kimberly's Blog: totheleastofthese.com

Prayer needs (Please read and pray, this is serious business)

Japan

Pray that God will open hearts to the Gospel and be preparing each person we will share with

Pray that God will protect the Japanese people (and us) from the possible radiation. (We are going to be about 30 miles from the nuclear reactor in question)

Pray that a Gospel Tsunami of grace and truth with sweep over the nation, crushing unbelief as it brings healing and life as opposed to death and destruction. That God's Glory will literally cover the nation of Japan like flood.

Pray that we won't have any struggles bringing into the country all the stuff we are bringing. Right now the water purifiers we are bringing are weighing in 10 lbs over the limit. Pray Delta will let it slide. We are calling them today.

Our Team

Pray for our hearts to be filled with the compassion of Jesus for our broken neighbors.

Pray for strength as I lead this trip and organize the efforts when we get there.

Pray for wisdom as we will be helping people 30 miles from the malfunctioning reactor

Pray for team unity and gracious hearts

Pray all of our Japanese will come alive and we will be able to articulate the Gospel clearly and effectively to the lost

Pray God will bring all the funds we need and what He wants us to bless the local Churches we help with.

Personal

Pray for my family as I say goodbye and entrust them to God. This is the hardest part for me.

Pray also I will do well on my exams this week in the midst of all the planning

Pray my heart will delight in the LORD! The God of my salvation!

To help send us and give toward supplies

By Credit Card or Paypal

http://funds.gofundme.com/34n9w

***Note: Not set up to be tax deductible (yet)

By Check (Is Tax deductible)

Step 1 - Email me and let me know it is coming and how much so we can count on it. fromscarlet@mac.com

Step 2. Mail Checks made payable to

JS Resources, Inc.

844 Maraval Court

Longwood, FL 32750

JS resources is a 501 c 3 and all donations are a tax deduction.

They have graciously agreed to process all checks for this trip free of admin fees. 100% of your donation will go to Tsunami Relief.

Thanks everyone for your support.

For the King and the Kingdom,

Danny

Joy in Adoption

2011-03-14T10:15:00.001-04:00

We are all adopted, we have all been given the inheritance of our Father. What a great reminder on a tired Monday when we tend to act like orphans.

I hear this song every day on the radio when I get dressed in the morning. Today I was reading a friend's blog and saw the video. If I could put my dream, my hope, and my prayer for my family into a video, this would be it....

Praying for Japan....

2011-03-11T09:46:00.001-05:00

My thoughts are flooded by Japan this morning: 8.9 Earthquake, after-shocks, tsunamis, etc.

Scott and I have had the privilege of being friends with a variety of people who have a consuming love for this country: the Iversons, the Lookabills, the Coles, the Nolls, and the list goes on. Scott and I were just talking on Monday that we would love to travel to Japan to visit/support the Chases and meet little Baby Os. We would love to see, first hand, how God is working in the hearts of the Japanese.

The Iversons are currently missionaries in Japan. Although I have only heard them speak at our church, I do not know them personally. However, Scott and I were honored to spend time with their son's, Danny Iverson's, family and their daughter's, Sara-Beth Noll's, family, both of whom are in Florida studying at Reformed Theological Seminary. Scott and I also have been blessed by the friendship of Matt and Carly Chase, who moved to Japan a couple years ago. My heart aches for the Florida Iversons and Nolls who are away from their family/friends during this tough time. My heart is grateful for the safety of the Japan Iversons and Chases. My heart yearns for God to bring beauty from the ashes (a current theme of my blog).

The great thing about Facebook is that it has helped me keep in touch with our friends that are living all across the world. Danny Iverson posted this e-mail on his profile page. I know many people who read this blog know the Chases and Iversons, and hundreds of others are wondering how to pray for Japan. Therefore I thought it would be fitting for me to post the e-mail sent to Danny by the Chases:

Dearest Family and Friends,
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. Praise God we are all ok, and survived the massive earthquake and tsunami. The rest of our missionary team is accounted for and doing well, although some are without water tonight. Please PRAY for Japan, and God's gospel of hope to pour forth from the church as we minister to those in need. Many are stuck in Tokyo tonight as the trains are down and cannot get home to their families. Just heard on the news that several hundred bodies were found in one area alone from the tsunami. This country and it's people need much more than just recovery of the earthquake. Carly and I were comforted to read God's promises from Isaiah tonight as we pray for Japan in this dark hour...
Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you WILL NOT BE SHAKEN nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you." Thank you Lord!!!!

Grace and peace from this country we love so dearly,
Matthew, Carly, Liam, Hudson, and Os

A Day in the Life of Max

2011-03-07T20:59:00.002-05:00

Happy Monday

2011-03-07T13:26:00.002-05:00

Max with Dexter, our neighbor's dog. Believe it or not they are best friends. Their favorite thing to do is wrestle; so posing for a picture is completely out of the question. Wishing you and your family a stress free Monday!

Summary Saturday

2011-03-05T14:53:00.005-05:00

For the first time in weeks, Scott and I are at home with no plans and no visitors. We love the busy schedules we lead and love the many friends we entertain, however, we are savoring this Saturday with no plans and overcast weather. Therefore, I have decided to take a break from exploring the desires of my heart and summarize random, various little things we have been up to.

In December (after we returned from Orlando) Scott and I had the privilege of watching Wrigley. Wrigley is a 7 month old Lab mix and belongs to two of our friends from Covenant Presbyterian. I had no idea how big and rambunctious Wrigley was, however, by the end of the week Wrigley and Max learned how to get along (or at least tolerate one another).

On the weekend of February 5, the intended birthday for Samuel and Elijah, Scott and I decided to celebrate by going to Lanchaster, PA. Although we only stayed one night, we were able to do a variety of things: visited the Ephrata Cloister (picture below), ate at our first Smorgasbord, shopped around a variety of farmer markets, stayed in our first Bed-and-Breakfast (pictures below), went on our first driving tour, and visited the beloved Richards family (my high school band director's wife and daughters).

On February 6, Scott and I had the privilege of going to two Super Bowl Parities: one for the College and Career Fellowship and one for our home group. I couldn't decide who to cheer on so I decided to wear colors from both teams. Scott decided to root for the Chicago Bulls.
In Harrisonburg, we have been lucky enough to a few "spring like" days, which means lots of outdoor exploration. Of course playing outside means a happy dog, dirty paws, and much needed baths.

The events of this summer caused me to re-prioritize my life. Due to lots of doctor appointments and a weak immune system, I resigned from my teaching job at Skyline. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life because I loved (and still do) my Skyline family. However, I heard God's calling and knew this was the time for resting, making good meals, and sending time with Scott.

When I resigned I didn't know what would happen, but I knew it was what God wanted for us and He would take care of the details. He already knew we could not live on Scott's salary alone, but we had a peace about my resignation and knew it was His will. At the end of February, He provided a part-time job at JMU as an instructional specialist. I work 30 hours a week helping professors and librarians implement solid, good teaching techniques into their lessons. I love it! It is like the all the best parts of my Skyline job combined into one, low stress, part time job. It is amazing how God makes beauty from ashes. Yes, losing Samuel and Elijah was and still is agonizing; and yes, cancer is one horrible disease. However, these two events lead us through a series of decisions that granted me this amazing job that is perfectly suited for our growing family. God has truly blessed the Mersiovsky family.

Venting, Calling, Praying

2011-03-03T10:02:00.002-05:00

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

THE VENTING

We definitely live in a fallen world. There are thousands of children around the world in temporary foster care and unsuitable orphanages. There are (probably) thousands of couples wanted to become parents. Somewhere there is a disconnect... I was looking at Adoptuskids.org and looking at the faces of hundreds of children waiting to be adopted. I couldn't help but sit at my desk and cry. I want to help all of them, but I don't want to "scariness of adoption" to keep us from helping none of them. I came across 3 different profiles: a baby from California, a 1 year old from South Dakota, a 2 year old from South Dakota. All with no families. No hugs or kisses good night. The baby doesn't even have a name, she is called Baby Girl. No playing on the playground. No cuddles before bed time. I couldn't help but look at them wondering if their last name is called to be Mersiovsky. The problem.... the agency is only giving them to a parent who has documentation that they are a member of a Federally Recognized Native American Tribe. The problem.... I am HALF Native American, but the Sappony tribe is only recognized on a state level. STUPID! These children will probably stay in foster families because of this "requirement". DUMB!

THE CALLING

Scott and I are pursuing adoption. Surprise! Scott and I have been interested in adoption since we were married, but are not starting to pursue it because the minimum age limit of adoptive parents (for the most part) is 25; and Scott turned 25 in November. God has revealed to us time and time again over the last 4.5 years that this is what He is calling us to; and now is the time to act...

The most common question we have gotten since the events of this summer is, "So did you find out that you can't have children?" The answer is no. We have been told that we can have biological children and probably a lot of them (even with my history of molar pregnancy/cancer). We are pursuing both at the same time. Crazy I know, but sometimes God calls us to crazy things. Scott and I have been looking at domestic infant adoption through Bethany Christian Services. We both have a heart for domestic missions, so it seemed like a logical choice.... until this morning.....

Statistics show that in America alone, 100,000 children (!) are in the foster system ready to adopt. Something (probably the Holy Spirit) has attracted me to that. They have no families. Instead of us waiting to get picked by a birth family, they are waiting to get picked by an adoptive family.

THE PRAYING

Scott and I are praying for biological children. Yes we could end up with 2-4 children, biological and adoptive, in a 36 month time frame, but God is in control. So.. if that happens, He will provide. If I DO get pregnant, there is a 10-20% chance that my cancer will reoccur. Please pray for the health.

Please pray for guidance in the means of adoption: Infant Domestic or Foster/Adopt; and pray for wisdom to recognize the route we should take

If we go through Bethany Christian, we need to raise approximately $25,000. I know God can do it (I have seen it happen), but pray for individuals to help support us in our ministry to orphans.

Please pray for physical, emotional, and spiritual protection of the child(ren) that have been called to be Mersiovskys (where ever they may be); and pray for strength for Scott and I to go get them (or bare them) and bring them home.

Finally, please pray that no matter what happens (good, bad, or ugly) that God gets the glory.